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In This Issue

• East Campus Drink-or-Treating
• Why Your Vote Doesn't Count
• Cheney-Edwards: Now That's A Ticket!
• Fed Fun Guide to Third Party Candidates
• Homeless Voters Choose
• Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot
• A First lesson in Russian Swearing
• September 10th: The Adjective
• Letters to and from The Fed
• Zombie Reagan!
• Liberal Bias Alleged in Democratic Party
• Presidential Candidates Have Large Height Difference
• Lover's Lane Hook Psycho Mutilated
• Advice from the Manly
• Complete Presidential Debate Coverage
• Monsters of the World
• THEY WATCH
• Alarming Statistics on Brain Eating
• Ice Bitch for Election Day
• Where's Dick Cheney?

Michael Bredin

Is that a radio sticking out of his coffin?!

Mike Wasserman

At this point in time (ignoring for the moment that the Electoral College renders my vote worthless) the concept of voting for either candidate fielded by the major parties in this election is like having a prostate examination ? no matter the outcome, it's a pain in the ass. Plus, they might discover cancer. And cancer is bad. But Chas, you ask, what about third-party candidates? To which I reply: voting for good ol' Ralph "unsafe-at-any-speed" Nader? Look, it's cute, really. You think Ralph Nader's somehow different than everyone else because no one likes him. Uh-huh. I bet you wear baggy sweatshirts, pre-torn jeans and cry yourself to sleep listening to Dashboard Confessional, too, right?

No, my friends, the answer to our political prayers this year lies in a major-party candidate you thought was down and out, a guy you'd thought you'd laid in the ground for good. A man whose political career is about to be totally resurrected. That's right, I'm talking about... A zombified Ronald Reagan.

For those of you who are unaware, Ronald "The Gipper" Reagan was our great nation's president from 1981 to 1989 and ushered in an era of paranoia and instability for liberals that single-handedly caused the collapse of the punk movement. He also presided over a program that would use GIANT SPACE LASERS to shoot down incoming missiles from Those Dirty Reds. We all shed tears following his demise this year, but even the grave cannot keep him from politics! Needless to say, Ronald Reagan is a far better choice than either of the two idiots currently running for the highest office in the land. "But Chas," you now whine, "I have serious issues with Ronald Reagan!" Bah. I have anticipated your tree-hugging delusional fears and have prepared a series of "talking points" to more effectively brainwash you.

1. Reagan would lack charisma!

Au contraire. Reagan would combine the simplicity of Bush's nonsensical speech with Kerry's firm, confident drone to provide the best of both worlds! Imagine this sample question with answers from all three candidates:

How would you deal with nuclear proliferation?

BUSH: Well, y'see, I'm, I'm quite a fan of, y'see, nucular proliferation... weapons of mass destruction... terrible in the wrong hands... I'd... I'd remove Saddam Hussein... he says it's the wrong war wrong place wrong time, I say you need a firm commander-in-chief and everything he's saying is just lies to... uh... deceive... you... uh. Yeah.

KERRY: Well..... Jim..... Let me just say that if you'd read the fifty-eight volume doctoral dissertation I wrote on this very subject you'd see that the key is a Boolean system wherein the voter is confounded into voting for the eighty-billion before he votes against it, yet I have one... constant... position... on... Iraq. Respected abroad, safer at home, please don't pay attention to my wife! It couldn't be clearer, and it isn't!

REAGAN: Braiiiiiins...

See? Quit yer whinin'. He'd be friendly and unintelligible. Now tell me that isn't what you've always wanted in a president.

2. Reagan would bring more scandal and shame to the White House!

God, you Liberals are so picky. Arright. Think about this:

BUSH: Has possibly misled his countrymen about the war in Iraq.

KERRY: Has possibly misled his countrymen about his service in Vietnam.

REAGAN: Has possibly misled his countrymen about the brains of the poor that he steals to keep him animated.

You see? Other people's scandals are harmful. Reagan's so-called "scandal" actually reduces the poverty level. Go, Reagan, go!

3. Reagan's policies are wrong for America!

No, no, a thousand times no! Here is a sample of our cadaverous commander-in-chief's plan for America:

- Eliminate government regulations on the brain, turning prisons into "factory farms" wherein convicts are subjected to hormone injections and reruns of Jeopardy! to increase brain size before consumption.

- Introduce that virus from "28 Days Later" into Afghanistan. That way, Bin-Laden gets killed or becomes one of the walking dead himself. Then we nuke central Asia ‘till it glows!

- Star Wars. It's not just gay robots and racist computer-generated caricatures anymore.

4. Reagan would be unable to handle a national crisis!

Really? Let me propose this situation to you: There's terror everywhere as Osama Bin-Laden detonates a "dirty bomb"... at the White House! What will we do? While most mortal men, including John Kerry and George W. Bush, would perish in the terrible radioactive aftermath, Ronald Reagan's unholy animated thyroid would continue its processes unabated! While other candidates' governments would collapse into confusion, our dearly un-departed leader would emerge from the destruction a little greener but no worse for wear, ready to launch a dazzling counteroffensive with... you guessed it... GIANT SPACE LASERS. Advantage? Reagan.

5. Reagan is dead!

Look, can you find John Kerry's pulse or George Bush's brain activity? No? Then what are you griping about?

I hope these "talking points" have made it clear: Zombie Reagan is the only hope for this nation. He is clear, he is concise, he knows what he wants, and damn it, he will build GIANT SPACE LASERS. Zombies and lasers: that, my fellow Americans, is what this country is really all about.