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In This Issue

• The Monkey Election College
• The Goshen, CT County Fair
• Freak Babies: Gotta Catch 'Em All
• Interview with author Louis Silverstein
• Animals, Placentae and You
• Letters to the Feditor
• 114th Street Rat Rock Exploration
• Bodacious the Rebel Bull
• Fed Arts Review: Columbia Unbecoming
• Mary Had a Little Lamb... with Potatoes
• John Jay Pet Deathmatch
• A Letter to the Columbia Gospel Choir
• DARE: 8 Ways to Say No
• Ice Bitch Comic
• Guide to Naming Suburban Housing Developments
• THEY WATCH

Matt Holden

The sight is almost as disturbing as the smell.

Alice Xie

The popular, placenta-free animals don't like to play with slimy, just-born freaks.

When I was young and impressionable my family took me to the Wisconsin State Fair. It's a wonderful place full of domesticated animals, poor white trash, and the diseases that they both carry. There, in that hallowed sanctuary of the University of Wisconsin birthing-barn, I learned the true meaning of existence. Somewhere between the uterine lining and the smell of afterbirth, clarity came to me. Everything I've ever needed to know about life I learned from those umbilical moments.

* When you start something, it will usually take a long time, be very loud and end up stinking like rotten mayonnaise.

* Just because you can see the end doesn't mean it's over; bend over and push or it'll never get accomplished.

* Nothing says devotion like placing your arm, elbow deep, into another species' sex organ.

* We all start out blind, but we don't all have to start out covered in little pieces of hay.

* In some situations, it's not okay to use the five second rule.

* Just because it's pink doesn't mean it'll taste like bubble-gum.

* If someone is asking for volunteers, it's all right to not put your hand up.

* As ugly as you may be, at least you're not covered in an embryonic sack.

* If you really love someone, you'll lick them after they've emerged from a cavity in your body.

* The more the merrier, except when they're in your uterus.

* When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you birthing fluids, just clean up.

* Everyone loves nipples!

* You can only be as clean as the high school educated farmer touching your privates.

* Just because there is a splatter guard doesn't mean you won't get wet.

* Don't worry about the future when you're still half way inside your mom.

* DON'T TOUCH THAT!

* Sometimes when animals are busy it's not all right to try to hug them.

* Babies are only cute after you clean the slime off them.

* Just because your brother bets you to do something, for the love of God, don't do it.