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Hix in the City
Issue 20.3: State Fair
Posted: November 20, 2004

Guide to Naming Suburban Housing Developments

Arnold Park

One-hundred and seventy acres of wetlands have just opened up for development. You can see its future-manicured green lawns, two car garages, white picket fences-bait to draw in those yuppie families. Sure, you may be destroying a rare turtle's habitat, burdening the water system, overcrowding the blue-ribbon public schools, and increasing traffic, but who gives a shit anyhow? Just get the town council on your side-contribute to their re-election funds. Those seniors can easily handle another property tax increase. What matters is building a little piece of heaven on earth, and selling the homes to the highest bidder. All that's left is creating a marketable name. "The Club"-too bland. "New Harmony"- too communist. So we've made this step easier. Pick an item from List A and add it to one from List B, and soon you'll have a little society fulfilling some semblance of the American Dream.

List A

Historical Landmark or Building
Animal
Tree
Fruit
Name of Geographic Region
Cardinal Direction
Something Patriotic
Something Rustic
Name of landowner whose land was seized through eminent domain

List B

Lake
Falls
Creek
Ridge
Woods
Hollow
Corner
Meadow
Hill
Country Club
Manor
Heights

Successful Examples:
Fox Meadow, Apple Ridge, Loyalist Country Club, Oak Creek

Tips:
* Adding prefixes like "Estates" or "Villages" makes a community sound ritzier than it actually is. Watch prices rise 20% when "Heritage Woods" becomes "Estates at Heritage Woods".

* This guide can also name shopping malls! Just add the words "Plaza", "Square", "Shops", or "Boutiques".