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In This Issue

• The Monkey Election College
• The Goshen, CT County Fair
• Freak Babies: Gotta Catch 'Em All
• Interview with author Louis Silverstein
• Animals, Placentae and You
• Letters to the Feditor
• 114th Street Rat Rock Exploration
• Bodacious the Rebel Bull
• Fed Arts Review: Columbia Unbecoming
• Mary Had a Little Lamb... with Potatoes
• John Jay Pet Deathmatch
• A Letter to the Columbia Gospel Choir
• DARE: 8 Ways to Say No
• Ice Bitch Comic
• Guide to Naming Suburban Housing Developments
• THEY WATCH

Alice Xie

Yoga fire! Sonic boom!

It started on a partly cloudy day in October. This day was one that would stand out in the mediocre lives of John Jay residents forever. The contestants of the match represented all areas of the floor. From the corner walk-through double came the under dog, Sheila, a goldfish named after an 80-year-old emphysemiac waitress from some Massachusetts diner. From the end of the hallway came two hamsters, Nadine and Marie, with seemingly fragile features but determined hearts. At the other end was a ribbon snake, Lil' JJ, who is remarkably honest and frank for his sneaky kind. Finally, hailing from the often quiet middle of the hall is a ficus tree.

The setting for this match was an interesting choice. An abandoned steel cage was chosen. Underused and overrun with nuclear weeds, it resides in the sketchy underground tunnels of Columbia. The steel cage was electrified with 813 volts by 542 double-A batteries. Several abysses of doom were dug-in addition to a moat-in preparation for the battle. The pets were thrown in and the lid was shut. The battle of the semester was to begin.

The pets wandered around dazed and confused for a moment. Then about mid-first quarter the action began with a strike by Lil' JJ against the ficus tree. A longstanding rivalry between the snake and tree began earlier this year with the tree's shade obscuring the snake's tank. While they had gotten along well in past years-the snake respired, the tree photosynthesized-the tree's blockage of the snake's hot lamp started a serious animosity. The snake had bided its time and carefully plotted this vengeful strike. The tree, however, was unfazed and remained relatively unscathed. On the other side of the cage, Nadine began an offensive against Sheila. Sheila's defenses had been relatively weak all season. Nevertheless, she swam right up to the hamster. Sheila's previous record against rodents (a losing 1-14) did not bode well for this encounter. With a weak and intrusive swipe from Marie, Sheila became scared and began swimming in furious circles around the moat in the cage. The interference strike from Marie was counted as a foul, costing Marie four minutes in the penalty shoebox and rendering Sheila's swimming useless. Nadine then went on to join the fight between Lil' JJ and the ficus. Having practiced all season on achieving a perfect bite, the hamster struck at the tree's foliage. But Nadine's farsightedness caused a miscalculation and the hamster struck snake flesh. The snake's quick reflexes deflected the bite for minimal damage and he brutally constricted the hamster for a fast k/o. Thus concluded the second quarter.

After the halftime break and NSYNC karaoke entertainment by a local floor mate, the match resumed. A questionable alliance was immediately formed by a rejuvenated Marie, Lil' JJ, and Sheila. With the motto, "no photosynthesis for you," they took on the ficus tree. Marie and Lil' JJ immediately engaged in frenzied leaf eating. Sheila, on the other end of the cage, fought the moat, just as Achilles fought the river Xanthos. Eventually, she managed to tame and filter the moat of all its oxygen and nutrients. With a sacrificial blurb, she sank in exhaustion and her armor clattered down upon her.

Many games were held in honor of Sheila. The ficus tree eventually succumbed to the heat of the angry, angry, sun, and denied photosynthesis and nutrient absorption, it dried up and died. After the celebration of the tree's death-huzzah for lack of xylem and phloem movement-the two remaining pets turned on each other. By then, Lil' JJ's wound from the first half of the match was beginning to fester. Marie had fought Lil' JJ twice before. She showed resolve in both situations, however the fates deemed that she could only wound the snake rather than inflict the death blow. Lil' JJ did not have the same anger towards Marie as he had towards the ficus. He was only annoyed with the puss from his unclean wound (for the water was polluted with Sheila's rotting but ceremoniously decorated corpse). Marie began to fight with a second wind. Lil' JJ, however, showed signs of fatigue and lack of focus. He was much more careless than in the first half. The fourth quarter only spelled disaster for him as his reflexes slowed and Marie began to gain the advantage. Even with his jaw unhinged, he could only bite as wide as the length of Marie's leg. However, due to sheer magnitude, Marie's weight proved to be a benefit in addition to her wider jaws. Lil' JJ pushed the battle into overtime. But it all became futile as suddenly, a deadly white stiletto shoe came flying through the cage. He tried to slip into what seemed to be a ditch. But the ditch turned out to be one of those ABYSSES OF DOOM that no one remembers being mentioned in the beginning of this article. It was a glorious day for the hamster named Marie.