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In This Issue
- Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
- X-treme Zoos Target Market
- Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
- Sonic in Bad Shape
- Journey into the Land of the Leopards
- Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
- Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
- Murder Spree Continues
- Art With Dead Mice
- Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
- 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
- Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
- Bibu the Baby Elephant
- Rob's Relationship Corner
- Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
- THEY WATCH
- Letters to the Feditor
- Thyroid Boy
- Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
- Stickman Theatre
Murder Spree Continues
Arnold Park
Another body has been discovered within a crumpled ball of tissue.
Foragers from Colony 16 had been scavenging the living room trash can for additional food for winter storage, when they encountered a suspicious looking ball of tissue paper. Two members of the colony started to unravel it and uncovered the crushed remains of the unfortunate victim.
The victim had been hermetically sealed inside a folded piece of Scotch tape. Its antennae had been detached, its right legs broken, and its entire abdomen flattened.
A distress call was placed via the Pheromone Communications Network, and emergency dispatchers responded within minutes.
"The condition of the body is simply gruesome," said chief investigator Sgt. Lasius Niger. "The foragers are completely traumatized - their legs are twitching; they refuse to talk. Our investigation unit is pale just looking at the mess. We've seen too many of these incidents."
For the past month, the bodies of six victims were found in various trash cans. In each case, the individuals were tortured and killed before being wrapped in the tissue. Four days ago, police found a victim preserved within a hardened droplet of Elmer's Glue. Most recently, Mr. Phineas Dole, mayor of Colony 9, was found sealed in Scotch tape and with a staple through his head.
Police do not know the killer's identity or its motives. Colonists are being advised not to venture outside their homes unless absolutely necessary.
The victim's name has not yet been released, pending notification of its family.