Looking for new writers and graphic designers!
Come to our meetings every Sunday night at 9:00pm 5th floor of Lerner (near the student
government office).
All are welcome.
Buy a T-Shirt
Do you love animals? Or sodomy? Then buy a Fed T-shirt!
About Us
We have a long and storied history. Learn more about us...
In This Issue
- Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
- X-treme Zoos Target Market
- Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
- Sonic in Bad Shape
- Journey into the Land of the Leopards
- Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
- Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
- Murder Spree Continues
- Art With Dead Mice
- Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
- 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
- Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
- Bibu the Baby Elephant
- Rob's Relationship Corner
- Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
- THEY WATCH
- Letters to the Feditor
- Thyroid Boy
- Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
- Stickman Theatre
19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
As presented (and the 3rd place winner) at the Philolexian Society’s annual Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest
Mike Ilardi
What follows is a brief anthology of sequels to the 19th century nursery rhyme I Love Little Pussy, a piece intended to teach children proper care for their cats. Children today have all manner of exotic creatures in their care, so I felt it necessary to pen a few updated versions of the old classic. First, the original:
I Love Little Pussy
I love little pussy,
Her coat is so warm,
And if I don't hurt her,
She'll do me no harm.
So I'll not pull her tail,
Nor drive her away,
But pussy and I,
Very gently will play.
And now for the sequels:
I Love Little Cock
I love little cock,
His beak is so long,
And when I stroke him,
He does me no wrong.
So I'll not rumple his feathers,
Nor tug him too quick,
He'll come when I call him,
For I've named him Dick.
I Love Little Beaver
I Love Little Beaver,
Her fur is so wet,
And though she smells fishy,
She's so fun to pet.
So I'll not burst her dam,
If she gnaws on my wood.
Gee, little beaver,
you're always so good!
I Love Little Bearded Clam
I love little bearded clam,
Her shell is so tight,
And if I feed her,
she'll clamp down every night.
So I'll not pry her open,
I'll be kind instead,
I'll drape a pearl neclace,
Over her head!
I Love Little Trouser Snake
I love little trouser snake,
He slithers up my pants,
And when I play my flute,
Trouser snake does his dance.
So I'll not tie him in knots,
Nor pull him too hard,
For my trouser snake
is nearly one yard!