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In This Issue

• Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
• X-treme Zoos Target Market
• Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
• Sonic in Bad Shape
• Journey into the Land of the Leopards
• Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
• Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
• Murder Spree Continues
• Art With Dead Mice
• Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
• 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
• Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
• Bibu the Baby Elephant
• Rob's Relationship Corner
• Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
• THEY WATCH
• Letters to the Feditor
• Thyroid Boy
• Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
• Stickman Theatre

Alice Xie

Here are some excerpts from the diary in which I chronicled my internship with National Geographic this past summer. Hopefully my scribblings will pass on to you, o reader, some of the wonder I felt as I trekked through the African savannah, aiding the renowned felinophile Dr. Jackson Light in his study of leopards.

May 29th - I have arrived in Africa, and boy is it African! I'm not sure the plane landed in the right country, but if there's one thing I know about Africa, it's that there are a lot of small countries with crazy names. Therefore, even if I'm in the wrong country, I can get to the other ones "con no problemas," and everyone else is probably just as confused about where they are. I'm already blending in with the community I've entered. People assume I'm just an average guy, walking around with pockets full of local Afri-coins, so I'm mugged constantly. Oh diary, the looks on those armed children's faces when they yank a bunch of traveler's checks from my fanny pack! Surprise!

June 3rd - I've caught up with Dr. Light here in the tiny village of Q (pronounced "Ro-ka-ra"), right on the edge of the leopard-rich savannah. We finished getting all our supplies today, like tranquilizers, GPS systems, a bigass thingy of water, and a three month supply of Chicken McNuggets. The cashier at the McDonalds here in Q thought I wanted a McFlurry, even though I kept saying "McNuggets!" Why can't McDonald's hire people who speak English?

June 17th - Long time no write, diary. It's been a busy two weeks out here with the leopards. We're observing a family of the furry mongrels, and I've been thinking of names Dr. Light could use for them when he narrates his documentary. The mother is named "Nasia," which in Africa means "Phyllis," because she has a funny habit of killing wildebeests by breaking their necks with her teeth, and there was this lady back home named Phyllis who got some renown for doing that to my volleyball coach. The father leopard is named "Razeebo," which means "Sunrise" or, if you put an accent on the last syllable, "Post-colonial guilt complex." I think I'll name the two sons Pi Squared and Gimme the Minivan, because you know how teens get.

July 2nd - Whoever criticized the summer soldier and sunshine patriot must never have experienced sunshine in the savannah. Man alive, is it hot! Most days I sit in the tent while Dr. Light tries to make Phyllis angry so he can get some pictures of her showing her teeth. I've got my new friends Pi Squared and Gimme the Minivan for company, though. I offered them some McNuggets one day, and boom, I was in their wrestling match. Dr. Light says I shouldn't give them so many McNuggets, but I think that's just the delirium from the infected claw scratches talking. I don't think their dad Razeebo wants them to hang out with me, though, seeing as he's always biting my knee whenever I come around. Next time I won't hesitate to tranquilize that speciesist.

Jooly 13th - OmG Dyary I'm soooo drnk. NO- not durnk, wacked OUT on tranqkwilizerrs. !!! U should seee-eee-eee Gimee-minivan the Leopard of LEOPARDS. He got FUCKED UP?: was runnin down a famlee of mokneys, JUMPED on the emperor monkey back abowt to bite his head off like bite a ballooon, AND HE JUST FELL ASLEEP ON MONKEYBACK. WhaAAaA!?!?! We lafft so hard, eksep not his mom named Nasia, wich is Africa-townish for "Uptight Wench who never makx cheesecake cuz she has no MANBRAINS." Wumen/leopards cannot do JACK. Huff!

August 2nd - Well diary, time to pack up and get the hell out of Dodge-I mean, Africa! I've had some pretty wild times here with these animal guys and these grasses, but it's time to get back to civilization. Saying goodbye wasn't too hard, since I ran out of McNuggets a few days ago, so the leopards stopped coming around (pretty materialistic if you ask me). Still, I'm really thankful to have had this opportunity to visit a country as beautiful as Africa. I think Dr. Light was happy with his observations, but I'm not sure. I haven't seen him for a while, not since the 13th of July, actually. He's probably in some other village or something. I've got to go rev up the Jeep and knock the gazelle bones off the hood, so goodbye for now. And remember the old Africa-guese saying, "Wangity skoop!" meaning: "What happens in Africa, my son, involves animals and a great deal of swelter!"