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In This Issue

• Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
• X-treme Zoos Target Market
• Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
• Sonic in Bad Shape
• Journey into the Land of the Leopards
• Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
• Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
• Murder Spree Continues
• Art With Dead Mice
• Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
• 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
• Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
• Bibu the Baby Elephant
• Rob's Relationship Corner
• Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
• THEY WATCH
• Letters to the Feditor
• Thyroid Boy
• Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
• Stickman Theatre

Dear Campus,

The issue theme Wild Kingdom has been suggested at every issue planning meeting for the past two years. Typically it comes in a close second to a vastly inferior topic, like More Anal Sex Jokes or Hardcore Pornography. For this reason I am particularly pleased to present to you this long overdue issue. Have a pleasant Chrismakwanzichah, practice raising your alcohol tolerance over Christmas break, and we'll see you next year.

Warmly,

Michael J. Ilardi

Fans are creepy

Regarding our interview with co-star of television series Boy Meets World, Rider Strong. (Issue 18.3)

Hey :)
I read your article on Rider Strong. Are you still in contact with him? I'm a fan of his work. Not from BMW, but from his voice over work of Roughnecks. I go to the occasional sci-fi con, and recently I bought a photo of the cast with nine of the Roughnecks. Eight of the actors who do the voices signed it, but Rider did not. His character is a pivotal one, the narrator of the series. My wife and I would very much love to meet Rider and have him sign the photo. If you're in contact with him, could you forward this on? I live in Central PA (Reading to be exact) and I'm disabled so I have the time to get to the City, with enough notice. Thanks very much in advance for your help.
-Paul

Dear Paul,
While I believe Rider Strong graduated from Columbia and we thus no longer have any way in which to contact him, I did manage to procure hair clippings and a blood sample. We are working on creating a clone of him in our office so that we can always have a former child star around to interview.
Michael J. Ilardi
Editor-in-Chief

She raises a good question

from: ******@barnard.edu
Subject: do you meet
if so. when? and where. you're funny

Dear @barnard,
Why yes we do. We meet every Sunday at 9 PM on the fifth floor of Lerner in the club space. We're finished for the semester but we invite new members to join us in January. All are welcome to attend.
Cheers,
Michael J. Ilardi

What? Some People Don't Like Us?

To Whom It May Concern
I remember walking onto Columbia campus as a scared prospective student and finding the Fed my source of consolation. The Fed that I picked up was witty, hysterical, and an equal-opportunity offender. Likewise, when I spent a day on campus after being accepted, I looked forward to finding a new issue of the Fed with more side-splitting delight. When I finally got here, I remember looking forward to being able to read the Fed on a semi-regular basis, i.e. whenever I stumbled across it in my drunken, high, wanderings. The first issue was disappointing. Ever since then, it's only gotten worse. Your most recent issue proves to me that...yeah, I'm sorry...you guys aren't really that funny anymore. Students poking fun at anything and everything around them is an enjoyable read. A mixture of snotty, elitist "fish-out-of-water" stories, Mahnaz Dar's increasingly incoherent Maureen Dowd-esque ramblings, obnoxious interviews, and wanna-be Onion parodies is not. Ethan Heitner's political screed about the David Project, perhaps the most un-funny part of the issue, barely even mustered an attempt at humor and would have found a better place on the Columbia Socialist's newspaper. I'm disappointed that you guys have decided to take a turn to the suck, but the joys of the free-market system ensure that there's plenty of non-suck humor on campus. For example, I can get high and watch Mallrats. I'm going to go do that.
~[redacted]

Dear [redacted],
Perhaps our paper is better enjoyed with more potent drugs than marijuana and alcohol. Have you considered trying heroine or prescription pain killers? The Fed is a malleable substance; styles of humor vary from issue to issue, but on average I'd say we're more or less the same paper we were last year. Oh, and Mahnaz can't take criticism so she's recently sunk to pornography (see cover). Just thought you should know.
Michael J. Ilardi
Arch-Editor