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In This Issue

• Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
• X-treme Zoos Target Market
• Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
• Sonic in Bad Shape
• Journey into the Land of the Leopards
• Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
• Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
• Murder Spree Continues
• Art With Dead Mice
• Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
• 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
• Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
• Bibu the Baby Elephant
• Rob's Relationship Corner
• Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
• THEY WATCH
• Letters to the Feditor
• Thyroid Boy
• Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
• Stickman Theatre

Matt Holden

I've received an overwhelming number of letters recently from people about relationship problems that seem to stem from poor communication with their creature companions, so in this month's column I want to talk about learning to understand your partner's needs. For most of us, our inter-species partners can't tell us what they want directly. As a result, they can become depressed, putting a strain on the relationship. Sometimes body language or subtle hints can be the key to understanding the needs of your mate and giving it the love that it needs.

Dear Rob,

Recently my female retriever Lulu has become disinterested in sex. I've been showing her the same amount of affection as usual: belly rubs, walks in the park, even taking her to Fairway for the expensive kibble, but I've been getting no response when I try to go south of the tail. We've been together for six years ever since the day we met at the pound. Please help me.

-Relationship Retrieval

Dear RR,

Seems like the luster, as well as the lust, has gone out of your relationship. The same old same old isn't cutting it anymore. You need to show your bitch something new and exciting. A bubble bath together could increase the intimacy. If you're adventurous you could try a new toy (I personally recommend the Happy Dog Jumbo Tennis Bone from dogtoys.com, 12" long and very sturdy). And although it may seem a little risqué, watching the Westminster Dog Show or even the Discovery channel may help to fuel her desires.

Go Fetch,
Rob

Dear Dr. Notwicz,

My cephalopod boyfriend, Otto, has been acting up lately. He still performs like he's got ten arms instead of eight when we do get it on, and I can still make him ink like crazy, but he seems hesitant to get out of his tank and wrap his tentacles around me. He'll shy away into his bubbly cave when I tap on the glass to tell him I'm home from work. Sometimes he'll even beak me when I play with his suckers. I don't want to just leave this relationship after all the time we've spent together, but I need someone who's ready to go when I am. What should I do?

-Love 8

Dear L8,

Firstly, I have to reiterate that I'm not a doctor but rather just a BS; although I'm a noted expert, my opinions don't necessarily reflect those of the professional zoophile community. That having been said, I'm glad you sent this letter, L8. It sounds like you put too much focus on sex and not enough on emotional support. Yes, women can do it, too! You need to spend more time helping him cultivate interests and making him feel loved. Maybe Otto would enjoy some aquarium Feng Shui to keep his tentacles occupied. In general, you need to have physical contact without sexual undertones and just let things happen. Soon enough he'll be crawling up your leg in the shower.

Keep it Reel,
Mr. Notwicz

Dear Relationship Corner,

My gay African grey lover Squeekers and I have been feeling the strain of the inevitable consequence of our May-December relationship after fifteen years. I'm 72, but he's only 23, and given my life expectancy of another 6 years or so and his of another 20 or more, I've been very afraid of leaving him with no one to care for him. Back when I was younger, everything seemed so carefree, and we didn't care about the age difference. His high-pitched "Squeekers want a kiss" still greets me every morning, but I feel bad that I'm just making things harder for him when I finally go. I'm afraid to broach the subject to him because last time we had a serious talk he rattled his cage and started pecking at himself. I'm so confused.

-Polly Want An Answer

Dear PWAA,

I'd like to refer you to my column three months ago when a man going by the name of Slow And Steady wrote to me about the exciting relationship he and his Tortoise Daisy have been having for the past thirty years. Daisy, 65, and SAS, 67, have come to terms with the inter-species life expectancy problem to have a fulfilling life together: "We spent our weekend at the beach watching all the baby sea turtles making their way to the sea and realized that life is a blessing and we're not going to waste it being sad." You have the rare opportunity, PWAA, to actually talk with Squeekers. It may be the lack of communication and attention which makes him so intense when you do talk. Even if you ruffle his feathers a bit, you'll benefit from the outcome.

Cheers,
Your Relationship Guru

That's all for this month, and thanks for you letters. I'm Rob Notwicz reminding you that you don't have to spay or neuter your pets.