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In This Issue

• Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
• X-treme Zoos Target Market
• Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
• Sonic in Bad Shape
• Journey into the Land of the Leopards
• Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
• Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
• Murder Spree Continues
• Art With Dead Mice
• Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
• 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
• Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
• Bibu the Baby Elephant
• Rob's Relationship Corner
• Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
• THEY WATCH
• Letters to the Feditor
• Thyroid Boy
• Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
• Stickman Theatre

The toy soldiers in this picture are currently being trained to leap off the page Ron Artest-style and maul THEM.

I. A recent memo from the Housing office informed me that I was to call Security IMMEDIATELY if I smelled marijuana in my suite or hallway. Nice try, but I'm not giving up my constitutional protection against self-incrimination that easily. Kids, what you learned on the playground really can last you a lifetime: TATTLETALES = THEY!

II. We're tired of recieving emails informing us that we have accessed Pine through a non-secure connection. We think that our current passwords are very secure and don't need to be changed: only us and our ex-lovers know them. We don't want to switch The Fed's awesome new website-o-matic program from FTP to SCP. We don't see the need for more security in computing, because we thought it was funny when Columbia's homepage was replaced with the much more graphically appealing cumsplatter.com. Stop busting our balls, you attention-hungry technological powers that be! We the people (in this office) declare that ACIS policymaking = THEY!