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In This Issue

• Kicking Your Hamster in its Teeth
• X-treme Zoos Target Market
• Resurrecting the Chili Cheese Burrito
• Sonic in Bad Shape
• Journey into the Land of the Leopards
• Finding Boys Into Whom to Put Love
• Lions and Tigers and Bears, Go Buy!
• Murder Spree Continues
• Art With Dead Mice
• Puppy Love, the Wrong Way
• 19th Century Nursery Rhyme!
• Tender Moments with Bill and Reona
• Bibu the Baby Elephant
• Rob's Relationship Corner
• Marauding Interviewer: What's Your Spirit Animal?
• THEY WATCH
• Letters to the Feditor
• Thyroid Boy
• Interspecies Intellectual Masturbation
• Stickman Theatre

Matt Holden

Alice Xie

According to the animal's trainer, the beast was merely concerned for the poor child and was trying to help.

Hey, moms and dads! Wondering what to get your kids for the holidays this year? Are you sick of having other parents stick their fingers in your eye as you fight to the front of the store, only to find they're all out of Purple Power Poo, and moreover you're trapped and have to chainsaw your way out again just to get back to your Volvo full of wheedling piglets? You need a toy that's educational as well as good exercise, something that will keep them occupied for hours on end. No, not more Barney videos...TV will only lull them into smug security as they sip their green kool-aid and eat their candy until they nod off to dream selfish little dreams of presents and even more candy. No, this year you need something interactive, exciting and just a little bit different...you need Tiger2021.

"Tiger2021?" you ask. "That sounds swell, but what the heck is it?" Well sirs, Tiger2021 is an up to date, state of the art, Complete Child Terrorfication System (CCTS) designed to perfectly fit the needs of the families of the new millennium. In laymen's terms it's a big fucking tiger, overnighted to you from deepest Sri Lanka, crammed in a box with no food and mad pissed off. Place it under the tree, tie a big red bow around it, and presto! Tiger2021 is ready for giving. Just imagine the look on Little Susie's cherubic face when she meets her new friend/personal trainer/life-lessons coach on Christmas morning.

"But why," you ask, "should I let my child play with Tiger2021? Isn't it dangerous?" Well, duh. If you want to teach your kid that life is easy, warm and cuddly, go buy them a freaking stuffed animal. But if you want them to learn the harsh truth sooner rather than later, that life is just waiting to spring upon them, seize them in its jaws, and kill them with a quick puncture wound to the lungs and/or bat them around until they die unless they locate a sharp object and defend themselves really fast, then Tiger2021 is just the toy for you.

Tiger2021 teaches all kinds of important skills. To set it on the easiest level, "complacent pussycat," just make sure to keep it well-fed. That way, it will only maul Billy if he fucks with it. After his first night spent shivering up in a tree, he will learn very quickly to mind his own business and stay out of other people's shit. This lesson will be especially firm, since Tiger2021 knows how to climb trees!

Once Billy has progressed past this basic beginner level, he'll be ready for something more advanced. To set Tiger2021 to a more challenging level ("somewhat agitated,") simply pull firmly on the furry protrusion coming off of the rear end of its body and get the hell away (not that one you sicko, this is a children's toy!). This will start Tiger2021 on an "active pursuit" game that should provide your child with hours of exercise out in the backyard. Don't worry, Tiger2021 will tire of the game eventually, at which point your child can come inside for some well-earned ants-on-a-log and juice. As you can see, this is the perfect toy to combat the American epidemic of childhood obesity. Just remember to keep those carbohydrates out of Lil' Fattie's reach and you're golden!

By this point in time, your child should be making a decent amount of progress towards a healthier, smarter, and more sensible life. Little Billy will have learned that Tiger2021 cares not for his imbecilic set of appeasement behaviors, nor for his freckles, nor for watching more than one episode of Spongebob Squarepants at a time, nor that his daddy is the second bureau chief of pencils in the state of Nebraska. Tiger2021's daddy can beat up your child's daddy any day of the week, and Tiger2021 does not wish to trade your child's brownie for his spleen back. However, on the rare occasion that your child is simply a bad seed and unable to be taught, you may have no choice but to set Tiger2021 to its most challenging level, "bloodthirsty." In order to achieve this, simply do not feed Tiger2021 for a period of one week, place Tiger2021 in the child's room, and close the door, making sure to lock it firmly into place. A final cage-match of sorts will ensue, and if your child does not emerge the victor, he or she was probably not worthy of life, anyway. You now have more free time to devote to that décolletage scrapbook you've been meaning to start, or to throwing some Big Sexy Grownup Parties. If he or she somehow does manage to kill or subdue Tiger2021, no refund can be given, but the pictures in the (non-décollatage) family photo album from that time Mommy taught Susie a very big lesson will be priceless. Trust me, she might get a little huffy now, but when she's stranded in the outback with only a Hello Kitty wall clock with which to defend herself, she will thank you affectionately!

So go ahead, take that step, you know you want to. A happier, sexier, and more fulfilling life is just a phone call away. I know it seems a bit unconventional, but take it from me, a satisfied Tiger2021 customer: the spare time I've obtained has been essential to my own self-actualization. Pretty soon, the other parents will follow suit, and you can be proud to say you were the first on your block to take the plunge with Tiger2021...a pro-active approach to parenting.