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In This Issue

• Life After Graduation? You're Kidding!
• Touched By Tom Brokaw
• Mr. McLaughlin's Culturally Confusing Neighborhood
• Livejournal: Hardcore Gateway(TM) Drug
• Columbia Decompiled
• Looking Back At Evolutionary Monkey Business
• How Right You Are!
• The Fed Kidz Page
• Veganism Sucks
• iPod Shuffle Advisory
• The Great Debate: Tune In or Pass Out?
• Weapons of Ass Destruction
• Letters to the Feditor
• THEY WATCH
• The Blue And White

According to a recent front-page Spectator article, the average resident of "West Harlem" knows little and cares less about the raging MEALAC crisis that has embroiled Columbia. The article failed to mention the following other subjects that West Harlem residents also do not care about: the business hours at Wein food court, the notoriously poor lighting conditions in certain areas of Butler, the Alberto Gonzalez confirmation hearings, the performance of the fencing team, and the Motley Crue reunion tour. The residents were completely unanimous, however, in their hateful recognition of some form of THEY.

I. Have you ever thought about how good it would be to be floating on Cloud Seven? Did you ever wonder why Plan Seven From Outer Space failed? These musings raged behind my awestruck eyes as I discovered, alongside the westbound railroad tracks in Metuchen, New Jersey, Afghan Khebab House #7. I shall spend the rest of my life questing after Houses 1 through 4 and 6 & 8, until I can know for sure whether the Numbered Khebab House Conspiracy = THEY!

II. Have you or someone close to you been hideously deformed by an industrial accident, a drunken altercation with Mike Tyson, or the drug Vioxx? If so, please bring that person to Fed Bash so we can make fun of them and call them nasty names. If not, come to Fed Bash and get drunk with sex workers to celebrate! Please remember that we plan to consider all Bash non-attendees = THEY!