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In This Issue

• Life After Graduation? You're Kidding!
• Touched By Tom Brokaw
• Mr. McLaughlin's Culturally Confusing Neighborhood
• Livejournal: Hardcore Gateway(TM) Drug
• Columbia Decompiled
• Looking Back At Evolutionary Monkey Business
• How Right You Are!
• The Fed Kidz Page
• Veganism Sucks
• iPod Shuffle Advisory
• The Great Debate: Tune In or Pass Out?
• Weapons of Ass Destruction
• Letters to the Feditor
• THEY WATCH
• The Blue And White

Associated Press

Under the leadership of Donald Rumsfeld, once and future cyborg, the Pentagon has become a department known for its cunning, brutality, and ruthless efficiency in rooting out and liquefying America's enemies.  Sadly, it didn't used to be this way.  Secret military documents, recently released by a group of do-gooders at the Sunshine Project, reveal a kinder, gentler Pentagon as represented by Defense Secretary Les Aspin during the Clinton Administration.  Their mission:  Not to kill people and break things (an institutional norm since the Department of Defense's founding in 1947) but rather, to get foreigners near and far to partake in the love that dare not speak its name.

This refers to an initiative posited by government-funded Wright Laboratories in 1994 for a new breed of non-lethal alternatives to fighting the enemy of the future.  One such alternative included "Chemicals that affect human behavior so that discipline and morale in enemy units is adversely effected.  One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs, especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior."  In short, the United States government contemplated developed the Sex Bomb.

The project was later thankfully discarded, perhaps after multiple complaints from the Army that the project was "pretty gay," though that is only conjecture.  

The Sex Bomb project is especially notable, as it came right on the heels of the first program devised and instituted by Les Aspin, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," which asserted that gay soldiers may not serve openly as homosexuals, but that they also cannot be outed in turn. The logical conclusion that can be derived from this is that Aspin and Clinton's modern war would not be one decided by conventional means, but in a contest of which army's soldiers could refrain from casual sodomy and Oscar parties.

Perhaps it is for the best that our current military is turning Iraqi insurgents into a thin red mist with cluster bombs and Abrams tanks, rather than simply giving them an excuse to go to Pottery Barn while we upend their government.  The estimated cost of the Sex Bomb project was expected to reach $7.5 million after 7 years, or three cents for every U.S. citizen until 2000.  By comparison, the current war in Iraq has cost $150 billion to date, which works out to a profit of $1,000 per child per family and a glazed ham under that GAO's current practices.

In any case, it seems the Sex Bomb is just the latest casualty in unimplemented military ordinance in the Global War on Terrorism.  When it comes to rooting out terrorists and denying them sanctuary in rogue states, nothing is as effective as an under-manned ground force untrained in post-war peacekeeping.  Depending on what the definition of "is" is.