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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

Edward Rueda

Was, its der "Bollenger" ein ubermench? Achtung, baby!

Edward Rueda

Teen pregnancy's never been easier under this new plan!

Are great men born or made?  What was once the an idle topic of conversation for middling homosexual philosophers will now be resolved by the cold, hard science of Columbia University's own Engineering School.  Last Tuesday, President Bollinger unveiled plans in Low Library for a new human bioengineering department, which will develop a genetically enriched human population by 2020.  Columbia administration already refers to the program by the endearing nickname "CUgenics."  With this bold move, Columbia now leads the Ivies in the race to improve the human condition.

President Bollinger's official statement explains that "the new interdisciplinary eugenics department at Columbia represents an important point of intersection between the arts and sciences.  By producing genetically perfect individuals, our students can apply the teachings of Darwin and Nietzsche to practical life lessons for the very first time.  Together with our partners at Barnard College and the Harlem Displacement Alliance, we invite our friends and neighbors in the community and throughout the city to experience the future of humanity with us."

"We realized that the term ‘eugenics' would put people off," admits wealthy alum Robert Kraft, CC '63, whose $5.8 million dollar donation spearheads the fundraising efforts, "so CUgenics is showing how we've learned from the mistakes of the past.  Our superhumans will have plenty of Jewish blood.  You can look tall and Nordic, but that won't help you on the SAT."  Researchers also plan to incorporate the work ethic of the Asian, the fabled height of the Rwandian Tutsi, the spirituality of the Native American, and the taxi-hailing ability of the white Anglo-Saxon Protestant.

Currently, students can apply for a year's work-study in CUgenics, which will satisfy their entire science requirement.  Most jobs involve data analysis or lab maintenance, but the most controversial position is that of "fetal receptive module," in which a female student incubates an engineered fetus in her uterus for nine months, at which point she begets the experiment.  Campus feminist organizations complain about the terms of the position: for example, a miscarriage brings an automatic failing grade.

In contrast to campus enthusiasm, the surrounding Harlem area has voiced concerns over the CUgenics program, despite repeated attempts of Columbia to introduce an invitation to establish a forum to engage in sedate, orderly dialogue with carefully selected, well-behaved representatives from the community.  Critics claim that Columbia will use the Manhattanville campus for the sole purpose of raising genetically enriched children.  Since the opening of the Columbia School for Children on 110th Street in 2003, Columbia has appointed a new Dean of Childhood Rearing, and announced that much of the area of the Manhattanville expansion will consist of playgrounds, candy stores, and a petting zoo. 

Nellie Bailey, president of the Harlem Tenants Council, told The Fed, "I had no idea [of] the scale of the plan. It clearly exceeds any academic needs that they have, [but] rather highlights this theory of land grab that many feel that those mothafukkin crackers are pursuing in West Harlem."

Professor Jeffrey Sachs of the Earth Institute disagrees, saying, "I don't see West Harlem rushing to save the Third World!   The problem of world poverty requires a superman, and we want to make sure that kind of man is around for the occasion.  Besides, to make an omelette, you have to break some eggs.  We just add sperm to those eggs in a petri dish."