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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

Ted Holden

Burn, baby, burn... prehistoric inferno!

Ted Holden

Ted Holden

One of Professor Olsen's wimpy Turkey-Dinos prepares for intergalatic combat.

Paul Eric Olsen knows a lot about dinosaurs. Professor Olsen has a Ph.D. in Dinosaur Biology from Yale University, and is Storke Memorial Professor of Earth and Environmental Sciences at the Lamont Doherty Earth Observatory of Columbia University. Professor Olsen's website features an impressive publications list and a rugged photo of the intrepid scientist on a dinosaur dig in Morocco; his features are dashing and his physique is above average.

I like dinosaurs a lot. I have read a number of very thick books on the subject, many taken from the Young Adult shelf of my local library on the recommendation of LeVar Burton. I am currently in the final stages of a Senior Thesis project entitled "T-Rex, Triceratops, and the Ancient Art of Kicking Ass: A Comprehensive Survey of Prehistoric Dinosaur Prize-Fighting." My pecs are only so-so. I blame this for the fact that my work has not yet received the same international acclaim as Professor Olsen's.

Last Thursday, digging by the cover of night, the much-maligned hypotheses in my thesis were finally proven when I uncovered indisputable archaeological evidence to support my hypothesis that Philosophy Lawn was once the site of a late Jurassic period battle arena at which dinosaurs successfully defended planet Earth from a prehistoric race of ill tempered proto-cyborgs from outer space. Professor Olsen has in the past been one of the most vocal opponents of this theory. I still believe that his outspoken opposition to my ideas was one of the primary reasons that my dig permit was denied repeatedly by Facilities Management, as well as the motivation behind the restraining order that the American Museum of Natural History recently obtained against me following an altercation with members of another prominent dinosaur scientist's entourage at a gala charity dinner in the Whale Room.

Now that I have been vindicated, I believe I can safely contend that it is Professor Olsen, and not I, who has propagated a number of alarming falsehoods about the lives of dinosaurs. For example, in his spring 2004 course, "Dinosaurs and the History of the Earth," Professor Olsen told students in one lecture that dinosaurs could be classified as such by their open acetabulum (for the lay reader, the acetabulum is a part of the pelvis). It did not seem to alarm Professor Olsen that this classification includes all kinds of ridiculous prehistoric proto-turkeys and excludes modern dinosaurs like Godzilla and the Komodo Dragon. But I would give him 10,000-to-1 odds any day if he wanted to match up one of his Turkey-Dinos against Stegosaurus, or even Triceratops for that matter, in a reconstructed version of the Philosophy Lawn Intergalactic Mega-Dome Sports Complex, as I believe the ancient venue I discovered was once called by dinosaurs and alien gambling enthusiasts alike. 

Professor Olsen also taught that a large majority of dinosaurs were small, herbivorous, and did not have awesome looking but difficult to explain bone formations sticking out of their heads. He did not even attempt to explain how such pathetic wuss-a-sauruses managed to successfully defend the Intergalactic Rumble Championship every year for over 100 million years in the face of stiff competition from the alien high-rollers' mercenaries, such as Shadow-Zombies, several space-dojos' worth of Space Ninjas, and the Old Testament God. In fact, a copy of Professor Olsen's syllabus which I obtained for this article did not contain a single reference to dinosaur prize fighting, despite the mounting evidence I have published in very notable ‘zines proving that the IRC title fights at the Mega-Dome drew an enthusiastic and diverse audience from across Pangaea, and were key events in the economic and social calendar throughout the Triassic, Jurassic, and Cretaceous periods.

Additionally, while Professor Olsen has come to believe from his extensive geological research that the Earth's climate during the dinosaur period was significantly warmer than it is today, with no ice caps existing, and that this was very likely the result of a higher proportion of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, he has not, like me, come out in favor of President Bush's energy policy as an effective means for bringing dinosaurs back to life. Students who took his class have informed me that Professor Olsen considers my hypothesis that dying dinosaurs may have deliberately frozen themselves under the polar ice caps until a cure could be found for their diseases "patently absurd."

As an aspiring dinosaur scientist, I have the utmost respect for Professor Olsen, both personally and as a contributor to the field, and I can, to a degree, understand his conservative approach to teaching material in fast-growing but still relatively young fields like mine. However, it is also important that students come away from courses in Dinosaur Science with some knowledge of contemporary controversies relating to their studies, and not only older research supported by mere evidence. With this goal in mind, I will send Professor Olsen a copy of my thesis immediately upon its completion, and hopefully I will see you all in dinosaur class next fall as a guest lecturer, delivering my well-known lecture, "Odds-Makers and Skull-Breakers: Dinosaur Battles and the Intergalactic Gambling Scene."