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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

Ted Holden

Stephanie Quan

Science is about seeing the world around you. "WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO DO THAT?" you ask. Well, the world presents problems to us everyday, like illness, disasters, and people. What we have to remember is that the world also presents solutions, if only we look closely enough to see how things work and how we can use them to our advantage.

Try science today! It can make your life better in small but oh-so-remarkable ways. Here's a problem we're all currently facing: the housing lottery, which will determine where and with whom we non-seniors will live next year (seniors will all be furnished with high paying, major-related jobs upon graduation, and will hence live in the Friends apartment together). "HEY SCIENCE, HOW CAN I GET GOOD HOUSING?" you ask again. Just remember that scientific observations lead to successervations.

First, observe that the order of housing choice is determined by lottery. Now, have you ever met someone who plays the same lottery numbers every week? She usually lives in run-down housing, correct? This cause and effect relationship of science leads to the following conclusion: If you do not want poor living quarters, then you must enter the housing lottery with different Quik-Pick numbers every year. Use 9-sided dice to enter the most random Social Security Number you can, and you will (by the scientific laws of causation and probability) end up in a great room. Make sure you buy a new die for each SSN digit! All dice lose randomness after three rolls.

After entering, you observe that there are other people in the same lottery for the same housing you want. Rev up science again! To increase your probability of getting a great spot on the list, you should eliminate the entrants with better spots. Killing these people will not be difficult once URH puts the big list online, displaying your opponents' full names and bounty values, i.e. how many housing and dining points you'll win once you kill them. A dead junior is thus good for a better lottery spot and forty John Jay meals, or about ten protein-heavy meals if you have a floor kitchen and a good knife. Feeling ethically uneasy about killing people, consuming their bodies, and adding their lifeforce-and housing point value-to your own? Science says those people would have died anyway from global warming and, let me inform you, burning to death from solar flares sucks way more than getting murdered in the prime of your life by a budget-conscious student with long fingernails.

So you've entered your SSN Quik-Pick and killed enough classmates to stay out of the Shaft; it's time to determine optimal housing preferences.  Observe that the closer you live to your class buildings, the more confident you feel that you will never be tardy.  Observe that the more confident you feel, the more time you waste listening to music before leaving for class.  Conclude that if you actually want to be on time to your classes, you must live as far away from Columbia's campus as possible.  The Manhattan School of Music has hardwood flooring and, across the street, Judaism.

So if you like nona-faceted game-pieces, killing people, and theology, you can't go wrong using these rationally deduced methods for housing success.  After all, I got into a Ph-fat single in the Ruggles murder suite.  Scientifically, that is!