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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

Requisite Thank Yous

Hello Everyone,
    Boy the Fed Bash was swell. Considering all the time The Fed put in to making the bash happen, it sure was gratifying to see so many people come by and witness the mayhem.   
    I want to take a moment to acknowledge all the hard work that so many people put into this event: all our friends at Film Production, Culinary Society, Mobius Strip, Conversio Virium, ADP, ESC, CQA, CCSC,  WBAR, and Red Bull.  More importantly I want to recognize the efforts of our own staff and alums.  When we needed you, you were there.  Devora, Ned, Bill, and Ilardi--the bash simply would not have happened without these people.  I'd also like to thank our friends in the administraton, Joe and Lauri, for helping make this event happen.
    Last but not least I want to thank everyone who attended the bash.  Much like public television, it is the support of viewers / alcoholics like you who keep us in the business of bondage and punk rock... and sometimes (fake) journalism.
Heartily,
Sam Jenning
The Guy Who Ran the Fed Bash

Dear Sam,
    Since we're being all sentimental and shit, I just wanted to say that The Fed would like to express its sincere gratitude for your vision and direction in the planning and execution of the Bash. I'd also like to say that never before have I seen such an effort on behalf of our new members. The time is drawing nigh for The Fed to shed it's old, dying skin (me) and grow new, vibrant skin with protein from the bodies of the freshmen on staff; I am confident in the organizations continued success--and in the quality of our freshmen's amino acids. I'd also like to thank  The Spectator for running--on two separate occasions--photographs of the Fed Bash, so we don't have to waste the precious space in our publication. (But I encourage you to check out the dozens of beautiful, high-resolution photographs from the bash at our website: the-fed.org; click on "Web Only Features.")
Lovingly,
Michael J. Ilardi
Arch-Editor-In-Chief-Most-High

General Wackiness
From:   austin <austin4@**********>
can u help i wanna fuck like monkeys with a straight when i'm gay can u give me moor steps?                                        
e-male at austin4@***********

Dear Austin,
    That really  depends upon whether you want the sex to be consensual or as, The Fed refers to  it, "non-consensuous." Either way, they say that everyone's at least a little bit bisexual. Best of luck.
Michael J. Ilardi
Super-Editor-Commander-in-Chief

Subject:  RE: 20.3: The Goshen, CT County Fair
    No way, man. The Goshen Fair is always decent. You mean to tell me that you couldn't suspend your prejudices against hicks, farm animals, and country music for one afternoon? I may be incredibly bored and have nothing better to do when I do attend one, but you don't think the fair is the least bit...kitschy? Enjoyable on some perverse level? Eh?
jm

Dear JM,
    "Kitsch-n-something that appeals to popular or lowbrow taste and is often of poor quality" (www.mirriamwebster.com). If this is the best adjective you can muster in support of the fair, I fear your case is weak. "Prejudice-n-an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge." I'd say hives and nausea are sufficient grounds upon which to shun farm animals. And contary to your callous assumptions, I certainly did enjoy the fair on not merely some, but all perverse levels...I enjoyed it so perversely that I now have crabs, herpes, hoof and mouth, typhoid and scurvy, and am now pregnant with its adorable freak babies.
Love,
Jamie Peck

And Now For Something Offensive
Subject:   Re: 17.7
Hi-
    People are good.  All are from God.   No one is "Chosen".  The day that a jew shits a boquet of roses on national television is the day I call them "chosen".
jr_tyler2001@************

Dear Tyler,
    In the ancient Egyptian creation story, Amun ejaculated the universe from his penis while masturbating. If only everyone ascribed to this particular theory the world would be a far more peaceful, far more humble place.
Optimistically,
Michael J. Ilardi
Il Duce