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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

ErectBgone

In light of concerns over the problem of erectile dysfunction medications occasionally resulting in "persistent erections," defined by the manufacturers of Viagra as "Erections lasting longer than four hours," scientists have developed a new compound for the purposes of stemming blood flow to the man-parts, effectively ending all erectionarily-associated activity. Drug manufacturer Pfizer plans to market this "impotency in a pill" under the inexplicable market name "Garubingia," more frequently referred to by its common name, "Naked Pictures of Bea Arthur.."

True Origin of QWERTY keyboard uncovered

The QWERTY keyboard, so named for the first six keys of the now ubiquitous letter arrangement, was invented in 1872.  While everyone knows that this keyboard layout is inefficient and difficult to learn compared with other, better schemes, until recently it was commonly believed that its development stemmed from the necessity to slow down typists in order to prevent key lockups on manual typewriters.  The actual reason, as it turns out, is because the first seven keys of the real most efficient keyboard layout spell "EATSHIT."  "QWERTY," on the other hand, offends only a minority of the world's population, as it is Indonesian for "dead baby sandwich with honey mustard sauce."