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In This Issue

• Dino-Battle Site Un-Earthed on Philosophy Lawn
• Columbia Bioengineers Make Über-Children for a Brighter West Harlem
• How Thinking Hurts America
• Columbia Makes Valuable Contributions to World
• Letters to the Editor
• North Korea: Major Source of Diabetes
• Frontiers of Soul-Crushing Disappointment... and Science
• If I Don't Get Good Housing, People Are Going to Die
• CS Class For The English Lass
• Science Update
• Poetry 4 Physicists
• Porn Older Than Nana
• Fed Science Fair: Cigarettes Are Bad for Kids and Animals
• Wacky Fun Whitey!
• How Many Licks...
• How to: E-Z Bake Thermonuclear Warhead
• Variations of a Sheep
• Marauding Interviewer
• How Many Licks, Vol. II
• The Staff of 20.6
• THEY Watch

Matt Holden

My stoagie! Waaah!

My science project is aimed at proving that cigarette smoking is bad not only for people who smoke, but also for babies and household pets. To test this hypothesis, I decided to give cigarettes to my baby brother, Joey, and also to my dog, Mr. Pumpkin. My mom agreed to buy me a pack of cigarettes, but first I had to swear on the little statue of Mary and baby Jesus that she keeps in the ash tray that I wouldn't smoke any of them myself, not even one. She even told me I could light them on the gas stove when I couldn't get the lighter she bought me to work. But then she really flipped out when I put one in Joey's mouth instead of his bottle and tried to get him to inhale. I've never seen Mom so mad, and she almost made me grow plants instead. But then I convinced her to let me still use Mr. Pumpkin, since he's old and might die soon anyway. Anyway, twice a day for a whole week I put the muzzle on Mr. Pumpkin and put a cigarette in the little air hole, making sure it didn't drop ashes on the carpet. At first he really didn't like it and barked a lot, which proves that even dogs know that cigarettes are bad. After a week he didn't seem to mind as much, but then when I took him outside to run around and catch a Frisbee, he started panting a lot and sticking his tongue really far out of his mouth. That proves that cigarettes are bad for your lungs. And they smell totally disgusting, too. I'm glad kids aren't allowed to smoke, because cigarettes are really awful.