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In This Issue
- The Colombia Spectador... Online!
- President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
- Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
- Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
- Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
- Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
- Letters to the Feditors
- A Slow Descent into Health
- Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
- Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
- An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
- Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
- On Dieting
- Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
- The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
- Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
- A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
- Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
- Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
- Marauding Interviewer
- THEY Watch
- The Staff of 20.7
Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
Mike Ilardi
On March 19th, the Mainichi Daily News of Japan reported that Sadao Tanabe, a renowned cardiologist, had been arrested for having his young female patients crawl about the examining room floor naked on all fours while he snapped photographs "for reference." One woman explained that she assumed that, as a doctor, he knew what he was doing, and only began to question the medical validity of the porno shoot-performed in response to the woman's complaint of a pain in her chest-when she "wasn't charged for the examination."
What have we learned here today? There's a fine line between medical examination and sexual abuse. And while the more cynical among us may note that any woman stupid enough to fall for the old "get on your hands and knees and crawl around while I take naked pictures of you so I can see what's wrong with your heart" gag deserves exactly what she gets, sexual abuse is a serious crime. Seriously. That's why we present to you a guide to detecting sexual abuse in the examining room that even painfully submissive women can understand.
| All in the course of a standard checkup... | Your doctor might be molesting you if... |
|---|---|
| Your doctor tests your reflexes by tapping your knee-cap with a hammer. | Your doctor tests your reflexes by spanking your bare ass with his hands. |
| Your doctor asks you to take off your clothing so he can examine your body for abnormalities. | Your doctor takes off his own clothing so he can "compare" with his body while checking for abnormalities. |
| Your doctor puts on latex gloves before examining you. | Your doctor puts on a latex condom before examining you. |
| If you’re a male, your doctor examines your prostate by inserting a finger into your anus. | If you’re a female, your doctor "examines your prostate" by inserting a finger into your anus. |
| Your doctor refers to standard, illustrated anatomy charts that adorn the walls of the examining room. | Your doctor refers to Playboy centerfolds that adorn the walls of the examining room. He then notes that your breasts seem abnormally small. |
| Your doctor asks you to pee in a cup. | Your doctor asks you to pee on his face. |
| Your doctor uses a speculum to examine your vagina. | Your doctor uses a ribbed, double-ended dildo and rides on the other side while examining your vagina. |
| Your doctor videotapes your naked body (give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.) | Your doctor fails to pay you royalties when he sells the tape over the internet. |