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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Matt Holden

Historical Note of Interest: In the wild, Penguins and DaVinci are natural enemies.

Michael Bredin

For those who claim TV makes you fat, CRON says NAY!

There is a new diet, a lifestyle, gaining nationwide popularity. Caloric Restriction with Optimal Nutrition (CRON) limits caloric intake to about 70% of a normal diet, and when done with an eye to proper nutrition, it has been linked to great increases in longevity and health in many animal studies. I took on the lifestyle for a few months and documented my experiences in a journal.

CRON Day One

To kick off my new lifestyle, I had a fruit plate for breakfast. For lunch, I had some yogurt, a salad, and a leftover kiwi from breakfast, and I finished up the day with a plate of rice and beans. No problems to report aside from the butterflies in my stomach. This is all so new and exciting! I'm already looking forward to the rest of my experiment.

CRON Day Two

My stomach made a bit of noise today until I had my breakfast fruits, which I found to be delicious but less than filling. The people at the CRON center told me to expect this. Until my stomach learns that I "won't be spoiling it anymore, it might be a little grumpy." A little uncomfortable, but the hunger eased as I got to lunch and dinner, so I remain unconcerned.

CRON Day Three

I was late for my first class today. On standing up from bed, I had a dizzy spell and involuntarily went back to sleep for the next three hours. As a result, I was compelled to skip breakfast and eat a quick lunch, consisting of a mixed greens salad, no dressing. This translated into additional hunger attacks, which I successfully resisted despite their increase in average length from 30 minutes to the better part of the day.

CRON Day Four

New sensory development: whenever I touch a mango, I hear the opening of Handel's "Alla Horn-pipe." Odd, I suppose, but not particularly bothersome, since I enjoy both mangoes and Handel. I am finding myself better able to ignore the now-constant aches in my gut. Also, I walked between classes without assistance today. I have not moved my bowels since CRON Day Minus-One.

Editor's note: CRON Days Five- through Nineteen are missing from the journal. There are bite marks on the adjacent pages.

CRON Day Twenty

The hunger attacks of the early days are a distant memory; I now feast on the knowledge that I am in terrific health. It has been nine days since I've consulted the CRON center. On my most recent trip, they were exceedingly rude and refused to share with me their plans to defeat the homeless.

CRON Day Twenty-One

Today's entry represents two hours of work, as I've just spent 110 minutes attempting to write with my forefinger. My cat, René, brought me a fountain pen with which he suggested I might find more success. I voiced my disagreement, and we made a gentlemen's wager. The long and short of the episode is that I owe René a trip to the putt-putt. Lunch was five ears of baby corn and an artichoke.

CRON Day Twenty-Two

The endless variety of CRON-friendly meals is truly astounding. Over a dinner of tuna beans, I debated the predicament of flightless birds with a belligerent Leonardo da Vinci. A great artist to be sure, but a feeble-minded logician and a disgusting overeater. He did, however, prepare a delicious quiche for my elbow.

CRON Day Twenty-Three

René's homosexual nephew absconded with several pages of my journal. Wisely, the puss retreated into his navel before I could draw my saber. Make no mistake; he will not survive an attempt at reemergence. For their part, the carrots have unionized. As per their demands, my vegetable consumption is now limited to non-roots, excepting broccoli, which I've found to be quite intelligent.

CRON Day Fwenty-Thor

Peasants attack fast.

Few escape, da Vinci falls.

Roses rise from ash.

Editor's note: The next thirty-seven journal entries were written in Aramaic. Then come several pages of faux-Japanese characters, made in what appears to be blood. The following is the final entry and the first to revert back to English.

CRON Epilogue

I woke up this morning to find myself in a hospital bed with a small contingent of police guarding the door. I have no idea what circumstances led me here, but I overheard the staff discussing a recent string of home invasions. According to my doctors, I've already been in the hospital for three weeks. They say that my CRON diet was discontinued on my admittance, and thus I've come to the end of my experiment with good health. Considering my trim figure and clearly sharpened intellect, I don't hesitate to declare it a resounding success. Most happily, I have fallen in love with a beautiful young rutabaga named Charlene, and we are engaged to be wed. A resounding success indeed.