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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Stephanie Quan

Steve Jobs is dancing. Be afraid.

Every time I walk down College Walk I'm bombarded by activists. The communists, the anti-communists, the fascists, the libertarians, the socialists, the engineers, the Palestinians, the Israelis, and of course the Sith and the Jedi.

"Did you know George Bush was unjustly elected?" "Did you know that everyone in Carman is a racist?" "Did you know that every time you flush the toilet it wastes enough fresh water to kill a trout?" "Have you considered the Dark Side recently? We have a great dental plan!"

Fools! For all their claims of moral righteousness, not a one of them has knowledge of the greatest concern of the modern world. Cancer and nuclear apocalypse pale before this concern. Do not be bamboozled by other causes because really, it's not gonna make anyone's life better if we save the whales or if there is one more species of horned owl. To me all human charity and decency can be resolved into one young person's plight. A young individual known only as iPod, who has been suffering for years now, and whom no one will take a firm stand to save.

It seems that everywhere we look today we hear someone shout "Free iPod!" but does anyone really consider it? Now that Kevin Mitnick and Arthur Lee are free, poor iPod remains as Mumia's only companion in oppressive captivity. But, as if it were ordinary trash stapled to our dorm walls, papers demanding, "Free iPod," are ignored. How often I hear a dull, "Oh sure, that'll never happen. It's like a one in two thousand chance." So what if it is? iPod is waiting for our assistance and it could be a one-in-a-billion chance for all I care! Since when have odds held back a righteous cause? We can't ever stand on the moral high ground while we let such injustices reign!

Remember those brilliant signs that stated "I am against genocide"? I'm not sure what prompted the creation of signs that asked people whether or not they supported the killing off of people because of race-is anyone for genocide? If they were would they announce it to the mongrel breeds around them? But the signs exist nonetheless. Those useless signs could have been replaced with a meaningful message. A message of pride, a message of multiculturalism, a message of truth, of justice, and the American way. "Free iPod!" could proudly be blocking natural light out of so many of our dorms. But we refrain. Why?

Even U2 has put its weight behind the iPod movement, but the inconsiderate population of this campus just yells, "Sellout." Well if that's what you call freedom fighters, than I'M A SELLOUT TOO! I don't care if their last album was repetitive and trite. Bono is a true saint.

For those not in the know iPod is now being held in the country of Apple by a man known only as Steve Jobs. iPod has suffered too long under the oppressive regime of Steve Jobs. I know many have been fooled by his Black and White propaganda commercials but America, let us look beyond race. Who cares if iPod is white? Think about iPod! Don't look at him and see only white; see his multifaceted nature, his kind and gentle curves, his soft and supple button. He cries in his simple, yet elegant, native tongue, "Press me! Press me!" but the world only hears, "Oppress me!"

The most disgusting aspect of the captivity that iPod faces has only come to light recently. Apparently, iPod is being made to shuffle around. One can only shed tears for the poor boy who hopes for freedom and is shackled in some way that he is only able to shuffle about. This profound injustice against human rights is even broadcast on television! On more than one occasion I have seen iPod in his "shuffle" which can be described as some traumatic seizure of the entire body. Who will save this poor soul?

Pathetically apolitical campus of Columbia: your political nihilism has gone far enough. No longer can Columbia remain such a heartless college. Since no one else will raise the banner, I will. Be prepared, because when this revolution starts, there will be no turning back. So get out your protest sticks and Birkenstocks. I'm not saying this will be more important than the civil rights movement, but I'm not-not saying it will be, either. My comrades, spring is coming and I am sure that I am not the only one who smells freedom on that warm April air. A freedom for iPod.