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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Dear Campus,

Normally The Fed celebrates April Fool's Day by putting mouse traps in its little sister's underwear drawer or dropping warheads on third world countries. This year we decided to forego the usual childish tomfoolery and instead try something serious for a change--that is, reproduce as accurately as we could a page from The Spectator. Being all newspaper-like was hard work, so don't worry--next issue we promise to resume printing only hardcore pornography and spelling errors.

Michael J. Ilardi
Arch-Editor

Pedophiles Read Our Paper

From: emu@******
Re: what's up
The Fed,
I notice in your 8 December 2004 edition an article by Kareem Shaya that badly distorts an article by me on looking for gay characters in young people's literature; Is Harry Potter Gay? by emu Nugent. Shaya is welcome to write whatever he likes, but misrepresentation (ie "The article's message? Women use their cleverness to destroy you, and what you really need is an impressionable, red-pubed boy-tart.") is hardly fair discussion and Shaya's article will hardly "profoundly shake our complacent and familiar thought patterns" (quoting you). Rather, it serves a very boring and bigoted status quo... well how surprising from an American mag. Perhaps, for a shake-up you would like to publish the original of my article.
emu Nugent

Dear Emu,

I think it should be noted that you like little boys--this article was featured on NAMBLA's website. I think it should also be noted that you are named after a rather funny-looking bird. While we have not the space to print your wistful delusions, I encourage anyone looking for a good laugh to check out http://216.220.97.17/potter.htm and read the article for themselves.

Michael J. Ilardi
Feditor-in-Chief

Something of a shot in the dark

From: warshay@******
Subject: Re: 17.9
I ran across a reference in your piece to "Shirley and Louis Mendelstein," at http://www.columbia.edu/cu/thefed/v2/archives/17/17.9/17.9_god.html and am wondering if you made up the names or took them from people you know.
The name, Mendelstein, is a long, lost relation.
Can you assist me?
Thank you.
Nathaniel Warshay

Dear Nathaniel,
Well, I can't knock you for trying but it should be noted that the article in question was about God retiring to Florida.

Michael J. Ilardi
Love Machine

Creepy Ex-boyfriends Also Read Our Paper

From: turboradness@******
Subject: just looking for someone...
this is kinda weird, but i'm looking for autumn ruhe. she wrote a few articles for you, so i thought i might be able to find her this way...
if you can, please forward her my e-mail address
my name is david williams, i knew her in tucson.
thanks for your time.
david williams

Music Reviews? What?

From: seth5262@*******
Subject: Story/Question
My name is Seth Conner and I manage an indie rock, Pittsburgh based band called The Masons. We have a number of shows lined up including various colleges and was wondering if you'd be interested listening to our music and potentially doing a story and/or CD review. We'd appreciate your opinion. You can hear our stuff at www.myspace.com/themasons
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Seth

Dear Seth,

Our music editor has taken ill and was thus unable to review your album, but I'm more than happy to offer my opinions without having listened to your work: The Masons are a delightful combination of post-modern goth and sugar-pop capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound and curing most forms of cancer--but not on the same day.

Michael J. Ilardi
Fed Monkey