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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

When we look in the mirror, what do we think? We think to ourselves, "Why are we so fat, and how can we (the two of us looking in the mirror and thinking together) have more toned physiques?" With dieting, you can find the answer-a diet!

But what should you eat to start looking more attractive? Start with a bag of peeled carrots. Carrots are orange, and orange things are really sexy.

Aside from carrots and the eating of them, you should drink lots of-water! The Surgeon General recommends sixty shot glasses of water per hour.

In order to make better food choices, make a lot of money so you can afford better food all the time. Also, be in a position to make food at home instead of wolfing down burgers after midnight on your way home from your pathetic-wage slavery. If you cannot do these things, use the anxiety resulting from your failure to meet beauty standards to "worry the weight away."

It's pretty bad to eat processed foods. It's also pretty bad to gripe about the sodium content of canned soup while millions of people starve, but hey.

Try to use sauces that require lighting alcohol on fire in a pan. Fire will not make you healthier, but it is fire.

Exercise at least one hour a day somehow. Failing that, spend at least two hours a day feeling guilty about not exercising.

Remember, most of the food you enjoy is-terrible shit!

Expect your significant other to be interested in your diet. If he or she doesn't like hearing about the caloric content of your brunch, break up with him or her (or both of them).

If the beautiful bodies on the magazine covers make you self-conscious, just remember that social pressures are merely signs of the times, not real measures of your worth as a person. In old Hawaii, for instance, morbid obesity was considered beautiful. Take comfort in the ebb and flow of history, for one day people may not find your fat grandkids quite so ugly. However, things definitely won't change in your lifetime.

When beginning your own diet, be sure to criticize the food choices of your friends and family. They will appreciate your expertise.

Say no to midnight munchies! Snacks eaten late at night go straight to your problem areas. Also, avoid slurping up your bedtime tears, as they are high in sodium.

For the ladies: Ask other people if certain clothes make you look fat. This will help you imagine what it will be like to have a real boyfriend after you slim down.

Many dieters have genetic conditions which impede weight loss. For instance, humans and chimpanzees share a genetic predisposition toward two all-beef patties topped with special sauce.

Carbs are a big no-no. "Carbs" are a splinter group of food molecules that defected from the carbohydrate family in 2004. The news of the split was plastered across snack boxes nationwide in a Red Scare-esque surge of carbophobia. Thus it became okay to eat buttered steaks topped with whipped cream nightly.

Still not losing weight? Dietitians are currently conducting breakthrough research into an exciting new weight loss possibility: the development of rudimentary will-power.