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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Ted Holden

Barnard President Judith Schapiro is dragged away by campus security, kicking, biting, and yelling: “Damn you and your bad hair, too!”

Shock waves were felt throughout campus yesterday after University President Lee C. Bollinger announced that Barnard College was to be cancelled for the rest of the year. "Effective today, Barnard College shall cease operations," Bollinger declared in a hastily announced speech outside of Low Library. "Since Columbia's admission of women in 1983, Barnard has become merely a vestigial organ of this great University, like an appendix or a clitoris," Bollinger continued. "And just like these other vestigial organs, it's an annoyance that's better off removed. Today, it serves only to unfairly give more women than men access to a quality education, and to breed lesbian, feminazi sociologists and so-called "Women's Studies" majors and professors.

While Bollinger offered these reasons publicly, many speculated that there were more personal motivations behind Bollinger's decision. "It's no secret that President Bollinger and Judith Shapiro have been hostile to each other of late," noted Columbia College Dean Austin Quigley. "I've seen Lee answer his phone and throw a tantrum upon discovering that it was Judy on the line. I once heard him complain, ‘I told that bitch to leave me alone; sure, we used to hook up on occasion, but I'm not leaving my wife for her,'" Quigley added.

Whatever the motivation for the shutdown, reaction on the Barnard campus has been uniformly hostile. "Bollinger has claimed that it is inefficient to have a separate women's college while running a co-ed one," said Lauren Mackie, BC '06, "but notions like ‘efficiency' are just homophobic, misogynist, patriarchal social constructs designed to prevent the full expression of our femininity in society. And besides, what am I supposed to do with all these leftover Barnard dining points?" Real Columbia students also expressed some concerns. "An all-girls school across the street was the perfect opportunity for us," noted Seymour Lucas, CC '07. "The ones who weren't into girls were guy-crazy. Now, I'm not sure I'll ever get laid again."

A few possibilities have been proposed for the future of the former Barnard campus, but President Bollinger's favorite proposal seems to be turning a good deal of it into the Larry Flynt Library and Center for the Study of Truly Degrading and Depraved Pornography. "Mr. Flynt has been a First Amendment enthusiast (and perhaps scholar) for nearly as long as I have, and I would jump at the chance to host this project," Bollinger said.