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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Russell Spitzer

Horrified parents breathed a sigh of relief last Monday as six-year-old student Tim Timmison was dragged away from Columbia's Double Discovery Center in handcuffs. Earlier in the day, panic spread like wildfire due to a gruesome and threatening image drawn by Timmison during "I Heart Pastels Day," sending the shocked teacher and students quivering into the corner. NYPD officers had to wake Tim from his nap and restrain him from eating his bag lunch bologna sandwich in order to fit him with their newly developed Junior-Cuffs. "We're no heroes," stated Sergeant John Wakely. "We're just glad we got here before anyone was hurt."

The chalky picture which started the ordeal showed the menacing 3'7" Tim on a grassy surface shooting at a lion with a rifle. "It was such a violent outburst against the school, I didn't know what to do," stated DDC teacher Rebecca Morestead. "The anti-Columbia sentiment expressed in his drawing was so unnerving. I was afraid for my life and for those of my students."

After Timmison revealed the picture to the class, Ms. Morestead pulled her other students to the other side of the room shouted at him to stay where he was. Tim cried at being yelled at, called his teacher a "doo-doo-head" and "mean lady" and sulked in his seat for a half hour. "I should have known better than to egg on such a volatile personality; once he was upset there was no telling what he'd do."

Shortly thereafter, Tim threatened his teacher and classmates with a pencil sharpener he'd hidden in his Spongebob Squarepants backpack. He then took out the colored pencils from the art closet all by himself and began drawing similar pictures threatening Princeton, Brown, the University of Miami, and finally the Toronto Raptors NBA team. After an hour, the 42-pound menace let his guard down and took a nap on his similarly Squarepants-ed mat. "That's when I called the cops and I prayed that they'd arrive before he woke up," sobbed an emotional Morestead at the end of her interview.

When asked for their comments, fellow students were more lenient on their classmate. "Timmy drawed a good pit-ture," according to Mia Shay, age 6. "Miss Becca got all upset when Tim-Tim drew the African safari we heard about after Babar," said Timmison's friend Mikey Larsen, age five and three quarters. "And we got to play in the building block corner all day!"

Shortly thereafter, school President Lee Bollinger issued the following statement: "Violence and threats of violence against academic institutions or our neighbors to the north will not be tolerated. Too long have we allowed our students to get in the way of our peace of mind. We won't be threatened by six- year olds with concealed scissors, grade-school drawings, creative writing about zombie infestations, or EZ-bake nuclear warheads anymore."

A reporter for The Spectator questioned Bollinger about whether Timmison's drawing was truly threatening or just the product of youthful imagination. This reporter, whose name has not been released, was beaten, dragged to the ground, and arrested as Timmison's long-time co-conspirator. President Bollinger was unharmed by the line of questioning.