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In This Issue

• The Colombia Spectador... Online!
• President Bollinger Cancels Barnard
• Locals Don't Care About J.J. Food
• Allegations of Animal Intimidation Rock MEALAC Professors, Laboratories
• Six-Year Old Held in Terror Scare
• Saving the World, One iPod at a Time
• Letters to the Feditors
• A Slow Descent into Health
• Eat Shit and Die - or Learn to Love It
• Cholera Gives Me That Lovin' Feeling, Diarrhea
• An Open Letter to My Unborn Son
• Disorders to Earn You Psych Services' Lovin'
• On Dieting
• Bladder Stones and Other Terrors
• The Life and Times of Deranged Freak Babies
• Is It Abuse, or Is It Medical Care? See for Yourself!
• A Fed Tradition Continues Unfettered
• Johnny Cash Conquers the Martians
• Neverland Ranch v. Pleasure Island
• Marauding Interviewer
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 20.7

Despite the consistent complaints voiced by Eugene Kotlyarenko, CC '08, to friends, family members, classroom acquaintances and passersby over the past three weeks, an exhaustive study recently conducted by Columbia University and Harvard's Institute of Anthropological Research revealed that many inhabitants of the surrounding Morningside Heights, Harlem, and Manhattanville communities do not know about the Bacon, Jalapeno and Banana Omelet (BJBO) he was served twenty-three days ago.

"That omelet was a crime against humanity," said Mr. Kotlyarenko when questioned about his reaction to the meal. "There is no reason why all other members of our species should not know about it, especially those living so close to the headquarters of this vile perpetration."

The post-omelet complaints have not been merely of a verbal nature, as the student, reportedly on the verge of vomitory excretion, also filled out a John Jay Suggestion Card which read, "Comment: There will be grave reperccussions (sic) for this putrid disregard for all that is right with the world. Not only do I feel violated by the ingestion of numerus (sic) bites of the omelet (mind you, only in a desperate attempt to see if it would improve) but I also feel intimidated by Betty, the villain who corrupted those eggs with that filthy combination. I do not know if I will ever be able to walk into the dining area of this institution again without having my dignity and taste buds assaulted."

When approached for comment, the omelet-maker in question, Betty, who is up for kitchen tenure later in the year, stated, "If people do not want to eat my omelets they don't have to. Those omelets represent my professional culinary opinions; they are not an attempt to hurt others. The non-stop omelet-related death threats I have been receiving over the past two weeks must stop."

In a perseverant post-vomit attempt to enlighten others about his experience, the victim immediately followed-up his suggestion submission by obtaining a video camera and filming others consuming the same (un)special combination, before eventually re-enacting his own incident. "It was almost cathartic eating the omelet a second time because I knew this one was so the rest of the world could feel my pain and learn from my suffering," Mr. Kotlyarenko commented as tears glazed over his gorgeous eyes.

However, while his attempts to spread the word have caused quite a stir on the Columbia campus-leading to the creation of an Ad Hoc Committee for "Specials" Grievances-he has been largely unsuccessful in informing members of the surrounding communities about what he views as "an act of utter hatred towards everyone."

Area resident, Fazzio Lopez was noted as saying, "Why the fuck should I care about his omelet or any of the other shit that goes on at this school? Just because its five blocks away from my apartment? While all the little suburban assclowns in there are reading books and having beer parties, I work hard to support my eight children and two baby mamas. Oops, I don't know about fatboy's omelet." After a short pause, Mr. Lopez concluded in a voice imitative of a toddler, "‘Boo-hoo, big bad omelet hurt my tummy. Everyone cry for poor widdle college baby.' Die, fatboy, die."

Yet, Mr. Kotlyarenko remains vigilant in his determination to sound the alarm regarding the offensive behavior taking place at Columbia University. "I won't rest until we can get a guarantee for all the members of our surrounding communities that Betty and the rest of the schemers who create such fabulously wretched concoctions are banned from ever being employed again at this otherwise spotless and often tasty institution."