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In This Issue

• Graffiti: High Art with Penii
• War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Columbia is Friend
• COPS: Keeping You Safe, At Any Cost
• Pigs, Drugs, and Electric Shocks
• Letters to the Feditors
• Operation: Fed Freedom!
• Mike Ilardi: From Carman Mutant to Fed Helm
• Farewell, Mr. Lippert
• The Pope Vs. Katie, Round II
• Pranking Feditor Fades into Archival File Cabinet
• Oodles of Doodles
• The Last Days of Mary-Kate and Ashley
• Gangrenous Jaguar
• The True Story of How the Big Bad Bunny Stole the Easter Animal Election From the Cute Piggy
• What All the Cool Immortals Are Reading
• John Jay Flees, Kids Rejoice
• Arts & Entertainment : Del McCoury Band
• THEY Watch
• Meet the Staff of 20.8
• Get to Know Us!

Matt Holden

Wouldn't you like to be the lucky kid who gets this in your Easter basket?

You should know this if you don't already. Easter was invented by Jesus in the year zero AD, when he rose from the dead and ascended to Heaven. Not being dead anymore was pretty sweet; plus, he got to go hang out with his dad in Heaven. However, he wanted something for people to remember him by for all the years to come. Jesus thought and thought. What would capture everybody's heart and make everyone remember the bloody and excruciating sacrifice he'd made for them when he was nailed to the cross and left to slowly die? Then the Lord knew: chocolate and marshmallows! And it was good. So chocoliciously good.

But who would deliver these Christ-tastic confections? Jesus was going to be all tied up in Heaven playing shuffleboard with his parents, reliving his epic battles, frolicking with all 800 of his virgins, smiting people, etc. He needed someone else to do the job...someone fast, efficient, and most importantly, cute.
It was then that Jesus decided to bestow upon the animals a democratic election to decide who among them would be best for the job. Jesus already knew through his special Lord-sense who it was, but he also knew that democracy is the godliest form of government and also that animals love democracy. So, he put the question to them.

Out in the forefront was the Easter Piggy. The Easter Piggy had all the right stuff. He was pink, a really cute color. He had an adorable curly tail and big brown eyes and four speedy little hooves. He was pleasantly plump, representing the bounty and abundance of spring without being vulgar about it. And when he really needed to, he could fly. All of the animals thought he would be perfect for the job. Let me also add that he would have kept evil Jews from infringing upon Jesus' special holiday, since everyone knows that the only thing Jews hate more than Jesus is pigs. (Don't worry Easter Piggy, I don't hate you.) But I digress...

What went wrong if everything was going so right? Well, after it was established firmly among all the animals that the Easter Piggy was the best creature for the job, the Easter Bunny (known then merely as the Bunny) crawled out of his disgusting, shit-filled rabbit hole and started causing a ruckus.

"Hey, what the fuck?!" he said, and all the animals looked toward the source of this emphatic language. "What the fuck is the deal with this swine? You should pick me instead. I'm not a fat fuck, and I can run much faster than him. Plus, I'm fuzzier, and my ears are way cuter and floppier. Who would you rather have symbolizing rebirth: someone who's eaten way too much slop to even think about procreating; or me, a sleek, dexterous, nubile, outrageously prolific individual?" And he did an evil sexy little dance to show everyone how sleek he was. The animals were instantly aroused, but they were still not completely convinced.

That night, as the opening of the polls drew nigh, the Piggy and the Bunny made their final pleas for Easter Animal. The Piggy delivered cupcakes that said "some pig!" to everybody's doorsteps. The Bunny gave them carrot-shaped dildos that said "Resurrect your erection with ‘The Bunny'." The Piggy gave out well-written pamphlets on his credentials and why one should vote for him. The Bunny bought colorful, sexy 30 second TV spots featuring Anna Nicole Smith in a bunny costume. Animals, like Southerners, mostly can't read, so they watched the TV ads instead.

After the polls opened, the animals were all encouraged to go and participate in wonderful, godly democracy. Some animals voted, but most were too busy eating grass, rolling around in their own shit, and humping rocks, or whatever. The Piggy sat back and hoped for the best. The Bunny, however, saw his chance and sprang into action. As luck would have it, he was friends with some powerful sheepdogs, who he hired to bark at the sheep and scare them into running out of their pen and over to the polling station. Once they got there, they weren't sure what to do; they sort of baah-ed at the voting machines and pawed at them with their hooves. The bunny used his paws to help them with the confusing touch-screen system. Then he corralled the sheep back into their pens and most of them immediately forgot what had happened, since sheep have shitty memories.

In the end, it was very close, but the results seemed to be for the hare, by a hair. A lot of the animals were surprised because they had voted for the Piggy, but most just made their animal sounds and went back to doing animal stuff. Jesus was not exactly pleased with the result; he wasn't sure he wanted this snide, raunchy, little ruffian delivering candy in his memory for all eternity. He thought about making a divine intervention; after all, who would dare to contradict the Son of God? However, the Lord knew that this was the best possible system, that democracy had won out, and that the animals had made their minds known. The Lord resigned himself to this as a fact of the way things worked on this material plane, though he saw that it was not good. Then he went up to Heaven and frolicked with his virgins and forgot all about it.

THE END.