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In This Issue

• Graffiti: High Art with Penii
• War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Columbia is Friend
• COPS: Keeping You Safe, At Any Cost
• Pigs, Drugs, and Electric Shocks
• Letters to the Feditors
• Operation: Fed Freedom!
• Mike Ilardi: From Carman Mutant to Fed Helm
• Farewell, Mr. Lippert
• The Pope Vs. Katie, Round II
• Pranking Feditor Fades into Archival File Cabinet
• Oodles of Doodles
• The Last Days of Mary-Kate and Ashley
• Gangrenous Jaguar
• The True Story of How the Big Bad Bunny Stole the Easter Animal Election From the Cute Piggy
• What All the Cool Immortals Are Reading
• John Jay Flees, Kids Rejoice
• Arts & Entertainment : Del McCoury Band
• THEY Watch
• Meet the Staff of 20.8
• Get to Know Us!

Michael Bredin

Move over Sealandia. The Fed's a nation-state now!

Matt Holden and Russell Spitzer

Nothing's hotter than a man sliding down a pole.

Citing a "growing threat to democracy and peace" in the area, the United States took military action against the Fed last month. Claiming the region was "ripe for regime change," ten thousand 3rd Battalion infantry troops were deployed with the primary mission of ousting Editor-in-Chief Michael Ilardi. Ilardi's dictatorship, widely viewed as an oppressive kleptocracy, has recently come under fire for purported crimes against citizens and neighboring states, along with allegations that Ilardi has secretly been developing weapons of mass destruction. In his pants.

After a brief firefight, Ilardi's Republican Guard surrendered, and then committed ritual suicide. Ilardi was captured with little incident and given the option of standing trial in his native country or leaving the Fed. Ilardi and his family are now believed to be living in exile at his private residence in Monaco.

The United States immediately began to restructure the Fed's leadership, backing folk hero and former porn star Samuel Jenning as next Editor-in-Chief. Some critics expressed concern that Jenning lacks editing experience, as well as a crippling addiction to Robitussin. In his defense, President Bush stated that "[Jenning] is a man of peace and an ally of democracy." However, the United States has provided no additional comment since Jenning's inaugural coke orgy.

There were shakeups in the Fed's upper level cabinet as well. Treasurer and Vice-President Bill McLaughlin, widely disliked for his "no fat chicks" policy, was ousted by fringe politician Mill BcLaughlin. Pundits have noted that BcLaughlin's politics are eerily similar to the former treasurer's. Print media from within the Fed's borders have portrayed BcLaughlin as skinny and hung like a hamster, much like the former Treasurer. The UN Security Council later issued a formal condemnation of BcLaughlin's move to shut down all free press in the Fed.

Senior cabinet official and Head Submissions Editor Katie Herman, also known as "Dr. Germ", "the Mongoose", and "Chuckles", was replaced by Addison Anderson and Perrie Briskin. Critics were quick to point out that Briskin has been in London all year and that at least 33% of the voting population within the Fed has no clue who she is. Anderson's confirmation also caused some unrest, with experts noting that he is "Varsity Show's bitch". Consistent with complaints that these two shadowy figures are never around, neither were available for comment.

In spite of the many glaring flaws in the new Fed leadership, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is confident that the Fed is "headed toward a new era of prosperity and freedom". Having just finished a tour of the devastated Fed offices, Rice added "the United States has a vested interest in encouraging peace and democracy the world over." Opposing voices from within the United States have suggested that this "vested interest" may actually be the Fed's vast reserves of pornography, alcohol, and personal lubricant.

Insurgent forces, headed by renegade editors Michael Noble and Matthew Lippert, have been seen setting fire to stacks of Playboy and Penthouse while oiling each other up with lube. Peacekeeping forces are on the lookout for Lippert and Noble, who have been described as "gooey". Former Minister of Information and Publicity Director Devora Snyder was detained at the border with a suitcase full of beer and several t-shirts. After the stolen goods were confiscated, she was allowed to exit the Fed. Former Graphics Editor and biological weapons researcher Matthew Holden is believed to be hiding out in the hinterlands with his army of mutant monkey babies. The United States is currently offering a reward of $5 million for information leading to the arrest of any emeritus Fed staff.