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In This Issue

• Graffiti: High Art with Penii
• War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Columbia is Friend
• COPS: Keeping You Safe, At Any Cost
• Pigs, Drugs, and Electric Shocks
• Letters to the Feditors
• Operation: Fed Freedom!
• Mike Ilardi: From Carman Mutant to Fed Helm
• Farewell, Mr. Lippert
• The Pope Vs. Katie, Round II
• Pranking Feditor Fades into Archival File Cabinet
• Oodles of Doodles
• The Last Days of Mary-Kate and Ashley
• Gangrenous Jaguar
• The True Story of How the Big Bad Bunny Stole the Easter Animal Election From the Cute Piggy
• What All the Cool Immortals Are Reading
• John Jay Flees, Kids Rejoice
• Arts & Entertainment : Del McCoury Band
• THEY Watch
• Meet the Staff of 20.8
• Get to Know Us!

Chas Carey

Lock your doors, bar the windows and hide your children, Baba Yaga, that infamous villain of Russian folklore has struck again. We all remember the terror and havoc that Ms. Yaga's chicken-legged house caused before it was captured and annihilated. Yaga, however, was not captured along with her domicile and was believed to be hiding out in Iceland. In a bizarre show of hostility that seems anachronistic in this post Cold-War era, Baba Yaga seems to have established a terrorist cell based in the John Jay Dining Hall.

According to a recent investigation, Yaga has infiltrated the kitchen of John Jay Dining Hall and turned into yet another one of her chicken-legged machines of death. The kitchen is apparently put out to pasture in Central Park every day, where, on its superfast chicken legs, it catches whatever is on the menu. The source was unavailable for further comment, as shortly after the interview he was served under the label "veggie burgers." Yesterday, tragedy struck when the kitchen, perhaps excited by the spring weather, broke its leash and rushed out of the park. Onlookers could only stare, stunned by the mayhem "The Kitchen" left in its wake.

At approximately six o'clock, "The Kitchen" appeared on the National Security radar and the U.S.'s own George W. Bush came forward with a comment to the press: "Whatever this unstoppable force of obscure Siberian magic is, we can't understand it, much less control it, but we're gonna stay the course. And once we find it, we'll be unstoppable. Um. Has anyone seen Osama or my jammies with the feet and bunny rabbit print?" Yaga is currently unaccounted for.

Nina Young Lee, a Columbia graduate student in Russian Literature and Russian instructor, defended Yaga for her seemingly unexplainable actions. "Baba Yaga is a post-menopausal woman with no children. She's obviously a sexual being, but she's unmarried. Because she's taking this untraditional role in society we feel the need to villify her and call her a witch. Since when does being a single older woman make you a terrorist?" Lee has taken a vocal stand in the defense of Yaga, but her actions have been seen by many as controversial and unjustified.

Others simply want to know when the "Kitchen" will return. A college freshman expressed this concern : "I hope they find it soon; I'm genuinely worried." He added, "I wonder what they'll make taste like chicken this time. Maybe the bacon. Mmm. Bacon." The student was found to be wearing the president's pajamas, which Secret Service agents asked him to remove. Even though he said he had nothing on underneath.

They were then interrupted by the repentant Kitchen bringing home the chicken-bacon.

Meanwhile, the statewide manhunt for Ms. Yaga continues.