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In This Issue

• Graffiti: High Art with Penii
• War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Columbia is Friend
• COPS: Keeping You Safe, At Any Cost
• Pigs, Drugs, and Electric Shocks
• Letters to the Feditors
• Operation: Fed Freedom!
• Mike Ilardi: From Carman Mutant to Fed Helm
• Farewell, Mr. Lippert
• The Pope Vs. Katie, Round II
• Pranking Feditor Fades into Archival File Cabinet
• Oodles of Doodles
• The Last Days of Mary-Kate and Ashley
• Gangrenous Jaguar
• The True Story of How the Big Bad Bunny Stole the Easter Animal Election From the Cute Piggy
• What All the Cool Immortals Are Reading
• John Jay Flees, Kids Rejoice
• Arts & Entertainment : Del McCoury Band
• THEY Watch
• Meet the Staff of 20.8
• Get to Know Us!

Dear Peasants,
         You might notice something different about this issue of the fed. No, it's not fireproof, waterproof, or a valuable source of minerals and daily vitamins.  What you might notice is that this issue of the fed is awful.  Terrible.  Good lord, it sucks.
         I'm Sam, the newly-minted, fresh out of the box, Feditor in Chief, and I am setting the bar very, very low.  This way, by the time next Spring rolls around, everyone will suddenly realize how much funnier the fed has become.  My plan is flawless.  Your wallet and your girlfriend will soon be mine.
    To our graduating seniors I bid a hearty farewell.  
Heartily,
Sam Jenning, EIC


To the editor:
As you may know, Cornell University is holding its annual outdoor "Slope Day" celebration for its students on May 6 of this year. It is a closed event, solely for Cornell students and their guests. Because this event is closed to the general public, and no tickets will be available to non-Cornell students, except through a limited guest-ticket policy, we would respectfully ask that you not providepre-publicity for Slope Day.

Oops.

If you already have run information about this Cornell music event, we would ask that any subsequent information you provide correctly characterizes the closed nature of the event and the strict admissions and ticket policy.

Slope day is free for everyone!  Just contact pressoffice@cornell.edu for
tickets!  Really!

Thank you for your consideration in this matter. If you have any further questions, please contact me at the Cornell Press Relations Office, (607) 255-6074 or s***@cornell.edu.

Dear Cornell,
I really couldn't care less what you do in the privacy of your own home, but keep your worthless concerts and self-important press releases away from me and my family.
-Sam.


Salve, vorrei attirare l'attenzione sulla situazionedi gravissimo disagio dei bambini lebbrosi in Buruli (Costa d'avorio). Sonorimasto davvero colpito da questi bambini. Eccodove poter trovare notizie sulla Piaga del Buruli e sulla Missione deicappuccini S.O.S. Burulì. Ecco le informazioni per poter inviare aiuti: Come sostenere le missioni Spero che questo messaggio possa portare buonifrutti! Insieme possiamo dare una mano!
  Chiedo scusa se ho recato disturbo. Il tuo indirizzo è stato preso a
casosu internet.

Signori,
Io sono molto sessualmente eccitato!
Grazie!
-Sam.


I just had to tell all of you that your paper is the shit.  I'm from a small town named Kingsland, TX.  Mainly republican, but there's just a little bit of room for the open minded people like me.  I found your paper while doing research for my social work class.  Your article about Bill the homeless guy from 2002 was too cool.  So you all just keep doing what you're doing and the rest of the world will keep sitting back and laughing.
Thanks for making my day,
Melanie Limon

Dear Melanie,
Thank you for making ours.
-the fed


AHOY Fed,
i think maybe i would write some funny thing for your paper, but not that i know the themes for each one beforehand! Geez. Plus, add me to your email list, if you want, but im busy enough and wont attend any of your meetings. got it?
Sayonara bitchz,
Alfonzo

Alfonzo,
Your passive-aggressive enthusiasm is commendable but also a little late. We look forward to working/drinking with you next year.
-Sam Jenning, EIC