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In This Issue

• Graffiti: High Art with Penii
• War Is Peace, Freedom Is Slavery, Columbia is Friend
• COPS: Keeping You Safe, At Any Cost
• Pigs, Drugs, and Electric Shocks
• Letters to the Feditors
• Operation: Fed Freedom!
• Mike Ilardi: From Carman Mutant to Fed Helm
• Farewell, Mr. Lippert
• The Pope Vs. Katie, Round II
• Pranking Feditor Fades into Archival File Cabinet
• Oodles of Doodles
• The Last Days of Mary-Kate and Ashley
• Gangrenous Jaguar
• The True Story of How the Big Bad Bunny Stole the Easter Animal Election From the Cute Piggy
• What All the Cool Immortals Are Reading
• John Jay Flees, Kids Rejoice
• Arts & Entertainment : Del McCoury Band
• THEY Watch
• Meet the Staff of 20.8
• Get to Know Us!

GAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!
(Did I scare you?)

I. Here’s how the White House’s budgetary strategy works: THEY need to cut alot of items to make it look like they’re fiscal conservatives, but they don’t really want to do anything difficult, so THEY cut stuff that THEY know will piss alot of people off. Then all the noisy pissed-off people get interviewed in the media, and stage rallies, and send form letters expressing their outrage. Then the president announces that he’s reconsidered, and he gets to look like he’s a caring individual first, and a fiscal conservative second. THEY get to have it both ways, no hard choices. So good job playing your part in this charade, everyone. Still, it’s nice to see that with all this Perkins loan Double Discovery hullabaloo, y’all got the congressman’s number on your speed dial now. Why don’t you give ol’ Charlie a call next time you’re feeling down in the dumps, and then we can divert Nightline’s budget to more financial aid, eh? That nice polite lady who answers the phone and pretends to care what you think = THEY!

II. You may consider yourself lucky if you drew into an EC high-rise suite for next fall. But if you’ve never lived there before, I’m warning you, every time you take a dump, you’re going to need at least two flushes. It’s worse than it sounds. Conservation-minded bathroom fixtures = THEY!

III. Like a marching band, but without amusing hats or strong rhythms, the noisy strikers = THEY!