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In This Issue

• Fun Stuff to Do With Your Roommate
• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• New York's Suprise Gift: Humidity!
• Letters to the Feditor
• Suggestions for Campus Political Dialogue
• Dodge-ing the Freshman 15
• First-Year Friendships Are For Fakeys
• Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• A Quick Briefing on Columbia-Speak
• Thirty Things To Do Before You Graduate Columbia
• CU is Like Folsom Prison
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Wymyn Blowjob
• Phil Steigman: Everyone's Class President
• John Jay Life Tried Without A Floor
• Some Stuff Your RA Might Have Left Out
• Housing and Dining Fed Fun Quiz
• Compliments of Health Services
• THEY WATCH
• What's a Fed Bash? Glad You Asked.
• The Staff of 21.0

What are you doing with your diploma?
Ned: Honestly? I't buried in my closet under a bunch of board games.
Amy: Keeping it in the blue envelope it came in, stashed between some large books on a shelf.

Can you read it?
Tom: I cannot read it. They use the same character for 'U' as for 'V'. It's entirely in Latin. Even the name is in Latin, "Tomuso Bellinum"
Ted: Yes, but it sounds like gibberish.
Ned: Yes. GS degrees are in English. either they think less of us, or we're just less pretenstious than those CC kids. 

What's it worth?
Ned: Does the fact that I haven't been able to justify spending $120 on the frame tell you anything?
Amy: At least $120,000
Tom: As cynical as I am, I'm actually very proud of my diploma. It's personal value for me is very high. On the other hand, it's practical value... well, I'd say it's worth more than a quarter.
Ted: Why? You wanna buy it?

What's the most important thing you learned in your 4 years of college?
Ned: It's okay to go to college for 6 years.
Amy: That you can write a thesis about a rock band and still graduate cum laude from an Ivy League college.
Julia: God, what *didn't* I learn in college? Maybe how to be a responsible person. I should have learned that. Instead I learned a lot about bars and how much WD40 you need to use so your downstairs neighbor doesn't call you and hit connect, letting your phone ring over and over again, while you're trying to noisily bang That Guy Who Seemed Really Interesting At The Bar.
Tom: If you feel ill, go to see the doctor. If your friends tell you that you should see a doctor, go see a doctor. Follow up until you are actually diagnosed with something and receiving treatment.
Ted: It's always either money or a woman...

You got any esoteric advice for incoming frosh?
Amy: Be an American Studies major. They let you do ANYTHING (see last question). Trust me on this.
Paul: The best advice I can give anyone is this: never, ever use the word "ghetto" to describe things that are unquestionably NOT ghetto. An example I overheard: "I took a trip across Europe last month...I went to like 15 countries in 40 days. But it was so ghetto!" No, no, no! Jetsetting is NEVER ghetto, and using the word "ghetto" does not make you "cool" or "real," or "radical."
Lorie: The Administration doesn’t hate you; they hate everyone.
Julia: Call CAVA. Seriously. They sit around waiting for the phone to ring. Plus, your roommate isn't going to wake up from her warm pool of vomit and call them herself.
Tom: Smile.
Ted: Stay in school. As long as you possibly can.

Scale of 1 to 10 how was your experience at CU and why?
Ned: On the Ned Ehrbar Zagat survey, Columbia gets an 8 for decor, a 4 for service, and an overall score of 7. An average meal will cost you $32,000.
Amy: Actually, probably a 9, which is surprising. Why? Because I’m naturally a self-reliant, ego-centric, tough bitch, just like Columbia.
Tom: 6 - Without the Fed, my friends and Lit Hum & CC it would have been a 4. The only thing more unforgiving than Manhattan is Columbia's beaurocracy.

Is the future so bright you have to wear shades?
Ned: Due to a lack of pigment in my eyes, I suffer from acute hyperphotosensitivity, so I have to wear shades. But we can blame it on the future if you want.
Amy: Um, no. I think it’s actually the opposite. Like it’s so dark I have to wear those helmet/goggle things with a flashlight on top that coal miners wear.
Julia: If by "my future's so bright, I have to wear shades," you mean, "I make less than $30,000 a year, don't get a vacation till December, and can't wait to get back into school," then the answer is yes.

Are you an alcoholic or addicted to any drugs? Is it more or less of a problem than when you were at Columbia?
Ned: I can quit anytime I want. When I was at Columbia, I couldn't.
Julia: I am an alcoholic, a personality trait I fully developed at CU, but will probably never let go of.

In terms of jobs your degree got you, what is the most amusing one?
Amy: I work in a record store for six bucks an hour. I guess that’s what writing your thesis about a rock band gets you. I also think that I am what one would call "downwardly mobile".
Julia: I worked at a magazine that required me to assemble toys. And I'm not talking about playing with a giant Big-like piano or a Playstation 2. I'm talking the three foot tall Buzz Around Mailbox that took me an hour to put together and every time a wisp of wind hit it, the damn thing would scream "Doinnng! Here comes the mailman! Doinnng! Here comes the mailman!" Yeah, well good, because I'm waiting for him with my shotgun.
Tom: Fortunately for me, I got deathly ill before they could collapse into bankruptcy. my current job I got the old fashioned way, nepotism. Yes, I work for my father. And though I do try to lord my Columbia Bachelors over him, he tends to just chuckle and point to his PhD from MIT.

Was it worth the time and effort?
Ned: Time, yes. Effort? I'm not so sure. Dedicate a building to me, and we'll talk.
Amy: Sure. What else was I gonna do for the last four years? Join the army?
Tom: Yes. I can't look back on such a hugely influential part of my life and think it was a waste of time. You know that commercial for the Marine Corps? Where the guy runs through the gauntlet and kills the fire-beast? That's kinda how I feel about Columbia.

Got anything else interesting to say? Say it!
Amy: No, sorry. Once you graduate you stop having interesting things to say. Oh no wait, I take that back. Here’s what I want to say: Join the Fed! It will bring you great fortune!
Tom: some of the brightest, most eloquent, thoughtful people you'll ever meet have just congregated into 4 square block. Guess what, they're all your age, many of them are (or could be) good looking and they're all around you. yes, the food sucks. yes, the housing sucks. the city is a complete pain in the ass. the classes are boring and the core curriculum is overbearing. but the opportunity to meet the people on your floor, in your L&R class, and cat-napping in Butler is totally worth the price.