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In This Issue
- Fun Stuff to Do With Your Roommate
- Morningside Heights = Wormhole
- New York's Suprise Gift: Humidity!
- Letters to the Feditor
- Suggestions for Campus Political Dialogue
- Dodge-ing the Freshman 15
- First-Year Friendships Are For Fakeys
- Columbia's Least Employable Grads
- A Quick Briefing on Columbia-Speak
- Thirty Things To Do Before You Graduate Columbia
- CU is Like Folsom Prison
- Attack of the Killer Barnard Wymyn Blowjob
- Phil Steigman: Everyone's Class President
- John Jay Life Tried Without A Floor
- Some Stuff Your RA Might Have Left Out
- Housing and Dining Fed Fun Quiz
- Compliments of Health Services
- THEY WATCH
- What's a Fed Bash? Glad You Asked.
- The Staff of 21.0
Housing and Dining Fed Fun Quiz
Mike Ilardi
Getting acclimated to college life can be tough. You're in a new and unfamiliar environment and your parents aren't around to help you make friends. With a little help from the Housing & Dining Residential Life Quiz, though, you'll get adjusted in no time—even if your roommate does sleep naked with a knife under his pillow and you cry yourself to sleep every night listening to his snoring.
Question 1: You get back to your room one evening to find that your entire floor has already gone to dinner at John Jay without you. You
(A) go by yourself.
(B) call up a friend and ask him or her to go with you.
(C) cross Broadway and try out Pinnacle.
(D) go hungry.
Going to John Jay by yourself is instant social Hari Kari. You will become a complete outcast—Professors will call on you in class as "kid who has no friends and has to eat alone." If you answered B, "Call up a friend," you've forgotten that you don't yet have any real friends, only floor-friends who you will soon come to loathe. Silly freshman! Going to Pinnacle might seem like a viable option in such a situation, but you'll have plenty of time to sample their vast array of homogenously-flavored slop next year when you've wisely chosen not to renew your meal plan and you're living next door to the place in the sterile halls of Shapiro.
The correct answer, of course, is D—Go Hungry. You'll save on both social humilation and on calories, fatty.
Question 2: You come home after a long day of classes to find your roommate masturbating vigorously in front of his/her computer. He/she pretends to have just been getting changed—while sitting down—but it's obvious to both of you what's really going on. You
(A) run out of the room screaming and stab your eyes out à la Oedipus Rex.
(B) politely excuse yourself.
(C) ask if you can lend a hand.
(D) Make a rush for your camera, take a picture, and post it all over the Internet.
Answer D might seem like the correct option. It would, after all, provide the most short-term personal amusement, but it might eventually cause your relationship with your roommate to sour, and you do have to live with him/her until we at Housing & Dining get around to processing your room transfer request (don't hold your breath). Besides, you'll never get to your camera in time. And really, neither putting out your eyes nor walking away politely will help alleviate the ensuing period of awkwardness. The correct answer is, of course, C, “Ask to lend a hand.” College is all about new experiences and you just might learn something new about yourself and your roomie!
Question 3: The girl/guy/farm animal you've taken back to your room has just thrown up all over him/her/itself and passed out on your bed. You
(A) call your RA and ask for help.
(B) have sex with your guest because he or she is incapable of saying no.
(C) ask if he or she wants to have sex with you with the qualification that you will treat a non-answer as an affirmative, and then have sex with him or her.
(D) move your guest to your roommate's bed and go to sleep.
This was a trick question. As a freshman, the odds of you getting anyone back to your room—drunk or not—are slim to none. Even so, there's really no good answer. Answer A is incorrect because, in this hypothetical situation, your RA has decided to take shrooms and passed out in your floor lounge. Forced sex with people who are too intoxicated to say no or remember the act falls into a legal grey area, so options B and C are not recommended. Answer D is probably your best option. With any luck, your roommate will arrive home too drunk to notice the extra body. The next morning will be hilariously awkward as the two of them attempt to reconstruct the events of the previous evening and wash each other's vomit out of their respective hair.
Question 4: You're hard-up for cash and on account of your irritable bowel syndrome you think you might die from malnutrition if you continue only eating at John Jay. You
(A) sell your roommate's things on E-Bay.
(B) sell your roommate's superfluous internal organs on E-bay.
(C) start a crystal meth lab in your bathroom/closet.
(D) panhandle.
(E) get a job.
If you answered D or E, you're seriously deluding yourself. As a Columbia student you are not qualified for anything in particular, including begging for spare change. Selling your roommate's things/body parts might be fun and profitable, but like we said earlier, we want you to maintain a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, starting a crystal meth lab is both dangerous and illegal, but who are we to discourage the young entrepeneur? Consider starting with something smaller: growing and selling marijuana is not not illegal in Manhattan, and you can avoid your science requirement by successfully setting up a hydroponic growing system in your closet.
Question 5: You have come down with a persistent cough and a high fever. You
(A) call Health Services.
(B) e-mail Go Ask Alice!
(C) accept the fact that you are probably going to die.
(D) go home to your real doctor.
Health Services' specialized Health Care Avoidance System will have you dealing with phone operators and Triage nurses until the illness has either passed or you've died. Go Ask Alice! will respond in three months and recommend that you wear a condom next time, so don't bother with them. The correct answer is either C or D depending upon how many exams you have coming up and your will to live.
So there you have it—you're on your way to a successful school year. If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to ask us, and we will do our best to ignore them in a timely fashion. Remember, we're here for you!
Question 1: You get back to your room one evening to find that your entire floor has already gone to dinner at John Jay without you. You
(A) go by yourself.
(B) call up a friend and ask him or her to go with you.
(C) cross Broadway and try out Pinnacle.
(D) go hungry.
Going to John Jay by yourself is instant social Hari Kari. You will become a complete outcast—Professors will call on you in class as "kid who has no friends and has to eat alone." If you answered B, "Call up a friend," you've forgotten that you don't yet have any real friends, only floor-friends who you will soon come to loathe. Silly freshman! Going to Pinnacle might seem like a viable option in such a situation, but you'll have plenty of time to sample their vast array of homogenously-flavored slop next year when you've wisely chosen not to renew your meal plan and you're living next door to the place in the sterile halls of Shapiro.
The correct answer, of course, is D—Go Hungry. You'll save on both social humilation and on calories, fatty.
Question 2: You come home after a long day of classes to find your roommate masturbating vigorously in front of his/her computer. He/she pretends to have just been getting changed—while sitting down—but it's obvious to both of you what's really going on. You
(A) run out of the room screaming and stab your eyes out à la Oedipus Rex.
(B) politely excuse yourself.
(C) ask if you can lend a hand.
(D) Make a rush for your camera, take a picture, and post it all over the Internet.
Answer D might seem like the correct option. It would, after all, provide the most short-term personal amusement, but it might eventually cause your relationship with your roommate to sour, and you do have to live with him/her until we at Housing & Dining get around to processing your room transfer request (don't hold your breath). Besides, you'll never get to your camera in time. And really, neither putting out your eyes nor walking away politely will help alleviate the ensuing period of awkwardness. The correct answer is, of course, C, “Ask to lend a hand.” College is all about new experiences and you just might learn something new about yourself and your roomie!
Question 3: The girl/guy/farm animal you've taken back to your room has just thrown up all over him/her/itself and passed out on your bed. You
(A) call your RA and ask for help.
(B) have sex with your guest because he or she is incapable of saying no.
(C) ask if he or she wants to have sex with you with the qualification that you will treat a non-answer as an affirmative, and then have sex with him or her.
(D) move your guest to your roommate's bed and go to sleep.
This was a trick question. As a freshman, the odds of you getting anyone back to your room—drunk or not—are slim to none. Even so, there's really no good answer. Answer A is incorrect because, in this hypothetical situation, your RA has decided to take shrooms and passed out in your floor lounge. Forced sex with people who are too intoxicated to say no or remember the act falls into a legal grey area, so options B and C are not recommended. Answer D is probably your best option. With any luck, your roommate will arrive home too drunk to notice the extra body. The next morning will be hilariously awkward as the two of them attempt to reconstruct the events of the previous evening and wash each other's vomit out of their respective hair.
Question 4: You're hard-up for cash and on account of your irritable bowel syndrome you think you might die from malnutrition if you continue only eating at John Jay. You
(A) sell your roommate's things on E-Bay.
(B) sell your roommate's superfluous internal organs on E-bay.
(C) start a crystal meth lab in your bathroom/closet.
(D) panhandle.
(E) get a job.
If you answered D or E, you're seriously deluding yourself. As a Columbia student you are not qualified for anything in particular, including begging for spare change. Selling your roommate's things/body parts might be fun and profitable, but like we said earlier, we want you to maintain a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, starting a crystal meth lab is both dangerous and illegal, but who are we to discourage the young entrepeneur? Consider starting with something smaller: growing and selling marijuana is not not illegal in Manhattan, and you can avoid your science requirement by successfully setting up a hydroponic growing system in your closet.
Question 5: You have come down with a persistent cough and a high fever. You
(A) call Health Services.
(B) e-mail Go Ask Alice!
(C) accept the fact that you are probably going to die.
(D) go home to your real doctor.
Health Services' specialized Health Care Avoidance System will have you dealing with phone operators and Triage nurses until the illness has either passed or you've died. Go Ask Alice! will respond in three months and recommend that you wear a condom next time, so don't bother with them. The correct answer is either C or D depending upon how many exams you have coming up and your will to live.
So there you have it—you're on your way to a successful school year. If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to ask us, and we will do our best to ignore them in a timely fashion. Remember, we're here for you!