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In This Issue

• Fun Stuff to Do With Your Roommate
• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• New York's Suprise Gift: Humidity!
• Letters to the Feditor
• Suggestions for Campus Political Dialogue
• Dodge-ing the Freshman 15
• First-Year Friendships Are For Fakeys
• Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• A Quick Briefing on Columbia-Speak
• Thirty Things To Do Before You Graduate Columbia
• CU is Like Folsom Prison
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Wymyn Blowjob
• Phil Steigman: Everyone's Class President
• John Jay Life Tried Without A Floor
• Some Stuff Your RA Might Have Left Out
• Housing and Dining Fed Fun Quiz
• Compliments of Health Services
• THEY WATCH
• What's a Fed Bash? Glad You Asked.
• The Staff of 21.0

From the Editor-In-Chief

Peasants,

    Greetings from The Fed, Columbia's wackiest, most hilarious-est publication!  We sure do have fun here, but we always need more writers and artists.  It's always a good time at The Fed, so you should join!  Also, if you join, we won't poison your household pets.

    Haha, yes we are in-your-face like that.  In-your-face also describes the ebola samples we'll throw at you if you don't check us out. See, we're alternative, so that means we favor edgy humor. Sometime we dare to be critical of the administration.  Take President Bollinger, for instance.  Have you seen his hair?  It's probably fake!  Zing!  So, if you ever want to see your family alive again, join The Fed!

    Write for us and I'll stop defecating in the water supply,

    Sam Jenning, EIC

Mail from Our Fans

    Is this how your spending your parents money. You seem to be the most missinformed, unknowledgeable bunch of freakin' in the dark jackass' I've ever heard of. Like another who wrote to you I have noticed that you start blasting
away at anything you know nothing about nor understand. You sound like a liberal scared of the real truth so you taunt it or blast it with word of bias. Then try to shove it at everyone as the truth.  Truth be know you wouldnt know thetruth if it bit you in the ass. True writers in any capacity do research, but I guess since you dont want to get too far away from the safety of cold pizza, stale beer and your Xbox.  You dont get out much huh?
You will be confined to live your pathetic lives doing underground useless newspapers and will no doubt in later years wind up printing fliers for the local newspaper. More over you will spend most of your lives living at home with mommy and daddy until they're dead and gone then go through the money they leave you. Stop all of this bull now and perhaps  you will make something of your life.
    Oh and if your there on a scholarship what was it for.  Preparation H was giving them out to all the major assholes?
                                                     Sencerely your
                                                            David Moser

Hi David!
    So since this is your first submission - Woo-hoo! :) - let me just give you the basics of our editing/revision protocol :)
[bracketed stuff] has been marked for deletion! :(
{stuff in squiggly brackets} is a suggested addition/replacement!!
::comments in italics with double-colon endings:: are the editor's comments
    Soooo, you'll find the edited copy below. Get the second draft back to us by Tuesday, and we'll go from there, yeah, okay? Great! And remember, if you'd like to draw a cartoon, we have good pens and markers from the Art Store if you want to drop by the office. Your article will probably go on page 5, adjacent to a serial comic about Jesus visiting the temple as a young boy and getting raped by the priests there. Maybe you and Melvin Carbuccia, the guy who does the rape serial :), could "collabo" on something next month, huh? I don't have his email! Arghh!
    Feddily,
    Marcus Shenkenberg :)
    Auxiliary Editor

    Is this how [your] {you're} spending your parents{‘} money[.]{?} You seem to be the most missinformed, unknowledgeable bunch of freakin' in the dark jackass[‘]{es} [I've ever heard of] {of whom I've ever heard}. Like another who wrote to you ::Who? Mention name for clarity and support:: I have noticed that you start blasting away at anything [you know nothing about] {about which you know nothing}[nor understand] ::a little redundant:: You sound like [a] liberal{s} scared of the [real] truth ::"real truth" also sounds redundant, "scared of the truth" has more pop to it:: so you taunt it or blast it with word{s} of bias[.]{,} [T] {t}hen try to shove it at everyone as the truth ::Imagery is compelling albeit slightly confusing. Restate in clearer terms:: Truth be know{n} you wouldn{‘}t know the truth if it bit you in the ass. True writers in any capacity do research, but I guess since you don{‘}t want to get too far away from the safety of cold pizza, stale beer and your Xbox ::sentence fragment; you guess that the Fed doesn't want to do these things, etc., what?:: You don{‘}t get out much{,} huh? You will be confined to live your pathetic lives doing underground useless newspapers and will no doubt in later years wind up printing fliers for the local newspaper. [More over] {Moreover,} you will spend most of your lives living at home with mommy and daddy until they're dead and gone then go through the money they leave you. Stop all of this bull now and perhaps you will make something of your [life] {lives}.
    Oh and if you{‘}r{e} there on a scholarship{,} what was it for[.]{?} {Was} Preparation H [was] giving them out to all the major assholes? ::Nice ending joke, but I think a clearer phrasing as a question helps::
    S[e]{i}ncerely your{s,}
    David {"Fiery Tits"} Moser

Stay tuned next week for more from this fan... he sent us a couple!