• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Fun Stuff to Do With Your Roommate
• Morningside Heights = Wormhole
• New York's Suprise Gift: Humidity!
• Letters to the Feditor
• Suggestions for Campus Political Dialogue
• Dodge-ing the Freshman 15
• First-Year Friendships Are For Fakeys
• Columbia's Least Employable Grads
• A Quick Briefing on Columbia-Speak
• Thirty Things To Do Before You Graduate Columbia
• CU is Like Folsom Prison
• Attack of the Killer Barnard Wymyn Blowjob
• Phil Steigman: Everyone's Class President
• John Jay Life Tried Without A Floor
• Some Stuff Your RA Might Have Left Out
• Housing and Dining Fed Fun Quiz
• Compliments of Health Services
• THEY WATCH
• What's a Fed Bash? Glad You Asked.
• The Staff of 21.0

So you got into Columbia. That must mean you wrote something in the "Why do you want to come to Columbia?" section such as "I wanted the opportunity to study the great works of Western Civilization in a small class room setting, while also having access to a world-class research university," or "When I visited everyone seemed so friendly and diverse," or "Walking around the gorgeous campus gave me a huge hard-on." What you really meant, though, was, "It's the only Ivy in New York fucking City."

Thanks to your expert ass kissing skills, your bullshit was chosen as the cream of the bullshit crop, and now you're here in the Big Apple, the action-packed city that never sleeps, right? Well, I hate to disappoint you, but actually, you're in Morningside Heights.

As far as most people know, Morningside Heights does not even exist. It does not appear on the maps in taxis or in dining guides. This may be because there is no dining in Morningside Heights. When most people try to mentally locate the main Columbia campus they will nervously place it in "Harlem?" always with a question mark. During your first few months here, you will find that when trying to ride the subway to Morningside Heights, you often end up in Harlem. This is because you have not yet become expert enough at slipping through the subway wormhole that leads to Morningside Heights, just as Harry Potter had to learn how to get onto the invisible platform 9 3/4 that leads to Hogwarts.

I remember saying at the beginning of my freshman year that I couldn't imagine going for more than a few days without going downtown. You will probably think something of this sort, too, but Morningside Heights wants to keep you to itself. Sometimes it will close the downtown subways on the weekends, not only at the 116th Street stop, but all stops between 96th Street and 137th Street. Sometimes, without reasonable cause or explanation, it will raise the subway fare a whopping fifty cents. Fifty cents may not sound whopping to you now, but faced with the choice between a strawberry-kiwi Snapple from the vending machine or a trip downtown, the Snapple will always win.

As a college student you will find that you are inexplicably lazier and sleepier than you ever have been before. Forget posh downtown bars and nightclubs. Only the most determined Columbia students have the fortitude even to trek down to some the less Columbia-exclusive bars below 110th Street. And with your meal plan points stretching before you like so many plates of free food, your taste buds will have trouble convincing your legs and your wallet to go out to eat, no matter how much they complain.

When you do make it to some other neighborhood, the rarity of the occasion will be made abundantly clear. NYU students and native New Yorkers will great you with comments such as, "Oh look, a Columbia student. Are you adjusting to the city okay?" Yes, it is that obvious.

But wait, you say. What's wrong with Morningside Heights? It's an NYC neighborhood. It's just as cool as any other, isn't it? Well, yes and no. There are certain things that set Morningside Heights apart. For one thing, it is entirely owned by Columbia. That means that its population consists completely of spoiled Ivy League students, professors, underpaid Dining Services employees, and disgruntled tenants who hate you for taking over their neighborhood and jacking up rents.

For another thing, there is no decent Jewish deli. And this we call Manhattan? Oh, and don't go talking to me about Hartley Kosher Deli. The place is only open for like two hours a day. What gives? Of course, there are no movie theaters, music venues, Broadway theaters, off-Broadway theaters, museums, art galleries, porn shops, freak shows, or vegetarian juice bars either. None worth mentioning anyway. However, there are several Starbuckses.

So you'll be spending the next four years mostly in Morningside Heights. It's not ideal, but it's not all bad. Like, there's, um, a really big cathedral, which is cool, you know, even if they never had enough ambition to finish the damn thing. And there will be fun stuff happening on campus, like when Columbia brings in top musical acts such as Naughty by Nature. Totally sweet! We rich whiteys love 10-year-old hip-hop one hit wonders! So make the most of your New York experience. Even if it's not the coolest neighborhood, you are living in Manhattan, and when you're done you'll probably just move back to the suburbs.