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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Russell Spitzer

Mike Bredin

Mmmm...vomit

Hey girlfriend, we've got to set the rizz-ecord strizzaight. I'm tired of hearing those uncool fatties talk about how everyone should be happy with their "body image." That's just fat talk. Even Ethiopians know that the skinnier you are, the sexier you are! But exercising takes valuable time away from gold digging and planning on how to marry rich, so let me introduce you to a flawless weight loss plan. Actually, to call it a plan is an understatement, it's more like a way of life, or even a nervosa, a bulimia nervosa!

How can something with so many syllables cause you to lose weight? It's simple, nervosa is Latin for "look great in just 30 days!" Plus, unlike Anners (anorexia), you get to eat whatever you want, whenever you want! It also takes about as much time as losing your virginity to Karl Rove, so its totally time efficient. After all, bulimia is really only about three things: binge, purge and thin!

Step 1: Binge

Binging is easy, all you need is a gallon bucket of ice-cream, some pork rinds and a few DVDs of Sex and the City. Once you have your food, turn on the awesome and not-at-all-infeasible life of Carrie Bradshaw and consume! Is your stomach full? Don't worry, the throat is a two-way street!

Step 2: Purge
Proceed to the nearest bathroom after making an appropriate excuse to nearby company, like "It's that time of the month," (not that you'll be having that annoying problem ever again when your on B to the izz-N)." Now take your index finger and pretend that your boyfriend just gave you a diamond or other gift of equitable material value. (He gave the shiny, so either mouth or hiney!) Open your mouth wide and thrust that finger into the back of your throat. It's just like prom but without someone taking pictures sans your knowledge (Thanks dad)! Then in a few moments, all that nasty fat will go right into the toilet, leaving you fresh as a daisy in spring, plus a slight vomit smell.

Step 3: Thin!
Congratulations, I guess you can have your cake and eat it too, as long as there is a bathroom nearby!

You may have heard bad things about this before from "ugly" people. How right can they be? They don't even believe beauty is skin-deep! But since this is a serious topic, let's look at it in an objective light.

Pros:

FACT: Being skinny is like being happy!
Scientific studies show that skinny people are just better than other people, in every way! It's a scientific fact! But don't take my word for it! I mean who likes a chubster anyway? I know I don't.

FACT: Boys only like skinny girls!
Everyone knows that guys are supposed to be big and girls are supposed to be small. It's even in Playdough or something! But these days guys are getting skinnier and wearing tighter pants so girls need to pick up the slack and lose a few. Plus boys like girls with low self esteem!

FACT: Other girls will be jealous of you!
Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I'm better than someone else and that they know it too. If you're skinny you'll see that everyone will look your way. You'll be the most popular girl in the 6th grade!

And many more:

Being able to control your gag reflex comes in handy!

You can show off your fine bone structure!

Be able to hide by turning sideways!

But all stories have two sides, like the awesome side and the slightly less awesome side. It's no different with the big B.N.

Cons:

FACT: You'll have to buy new clothes cause you'll be skinny!
Just kidding, buying new clothes is fun!

FACT: You may become too attractive.
It does become a little overwhelming when you're popular because of your shape. Hey, it's a small price to pay for real love, you know, the kind that buys you things.

FACT: Your old friends will be sad because they look fat by comparison.
But who wants to be friends with ugly blimpsters? Fat girls, that's who!

I think its pretty clear that anyone who thinks bleemers isn't cool is just retarded. So let's get our index fingers ready and get ready to take the train from unpopular land, with one stopover at the toilet cove, to skinny town!