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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Michael Bredin and Russell Spitzer

Her fat tears smeak the ink on their pretty faces.

Throughout the centuries, dreams have evolved with the human species. A really, really long time ago, humans had dreams of making fire, and thus there was fire. Finally, the 1990’s rolled around where dreams involved perms, denim, and anal sex, and thus there were boy bands.

Out of all of the accomplished dreams of the ages, boy bands remain the most profound advancement in our modern society. For instance, boy bands are multi-purpose, while things like, say, fire, can only be used for one purpose (in fire’s case, to light things on fire). Boy bands on the other hand can be used as fashion icons, sex icons, AIM icons, etc.

Boy bands are also more tangible than things like fire. When one touches fire, one burns their hand off. When one touches a member of a boy band, one gets immediate validation for the hours of blowjobs given to the guy he/she “tutored in algebra” for concert ticket money.

Ricky Martin epitomizes the idea that boy bands made a huge impact on society in the 1990’s. In 1956, Ricky Martin was a member of a group called Menudo, named after a popular Beatles song. After starting a solo career based solely on the appeal of the Spanish phrase for “crazy life”, Ricky Martin opened the door for boy band members everywhere. Following him were a number of former boy band member gone solo acts: Joey McIntyre, Jordan Knight, Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Nick Lachey, Tommy Lee, etc.

As a 12 year-old girl, it was my dream to go to a Ricky Martin concert when he came through Los Angeles on my 13th birthday. Of course I went, and of course I was inspired. He was livin’ la vida loca all over that stage, and at one point, he she-banged a she-man. His stage act set precedent for future bon-bon shakers everywhere, including William Hung, who took pop music to an entirely different stratosphere. This was all thanks to Ricky Martin and Menudo (for non-Spanish speakers, “menudo” means “often”, which in no way describes the frequency of AIDS contraction from a boy band member).

My second “hands on” experience with boy bands occurred this past summer, a.k.a the comeback season for those wild Backstreet Boys. At this point, though, we can call them the Midlife Crisis Men (some men buy sports cars, some have affairs with younger women, some have boy band comebacks—a midlife crisis is a matter of preference, really). All in their early-to-late 50’s, the Midlife Crisis Men are married, Rogaine advocates, and looking forward to the grandkids due illegitimately this winter.

At a taping of “The Tonight Show”, I felt the wrath of 300 screaming Midlife Crisis Men fans, as they pushed my friends and me out of the way to grab Nick’s crotch. I myself was able to touch two Midlife Crisis Men’s pruning hands. It was hot.

But boy bands aren’t always a good thing. Rivalries can often lead to riots and fatal dance-offs. Such instances of violence account for the recent fall of boy bands, which has led to the recent fall of humanity.