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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Mike Bredin

Tastes like chicken

Russell Spitzer

An essential part of any balanced diet.

OMG! Have you been looking for a new and healthy way to stay in shape? Forget Atkins, and who would want to go on the South Beach diet when you can eat south bitches instead? The country's newest craze is sweeping everywhere like a janitor on a mission. The Alfred Packer diet encourages you to eat absolutely no normal food, but to simply subsist off the good eating habits of others. Jealous of that skanky whore friend of yours who gets all the attention because she's thin? Well it won't be long before you have her delicate figure...inside of you!

On the Alfred Packer diet, you will eat only humans, partial or whole. The social unacceptability of this diet is far outweighed by its benefits: over seven-eighths of participants who tried this diet reported losing weight within a week*, three-quarters lost thirty pounds or more in that time period**, and over half of all participants regrew lost hair***! Also, all the control patients died. Somebody ate them and looks great!

*completely fabricated
**boldfaced lie
***Propecia is for men only

To convince you of the powers of the Alfred Packer diet, we would like to present you with a week-long schedule of culinary delight. Variants of this diet are easily creatable once you start to understand what parts of the body you like best! Here is a sample week:

Monday: corpse from a dumpster

Tuesday: the Donner party

Wednesday: heart ripped from someone in a temple

Thursday: census taker's liver, fava beans, Chianti (preferably nice)

Friday: Consume a post-mortem rock star! At the time of this publication, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Elliott Smith, John Bonham, John Entwhistle, Keith Moon, Nick Drake, Elvis Presley, John Lennon, George Harrison and Paul McCartney (hold a mirror up to the Sgt. Pepper album cover, I swear to God he's dead) have yet to be eaten.

Saturday: Eat one of your best friends! You'll never be able to talk to her again, but you'll feel great knowing she's with you always.

Sunday: the blood and body of Jesus Christ, who died for all so that sins may be forgiven

Clearly, the variety of foods available to you is almost endless. With the Alfred Packer diet, the choice is yours, as long as you maintain a tireless effort to be a bloodthirsty cannibal. And best of all, if you're transitioning from an eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia, the Alfred Packer diet isn't technically considered an eating disorder! As fucked up as eating people is, you'll never have to spend time in that loser ward with the dumb skinny white girls again! As long as we're on the subject, why not review the pros and cons of the Alfred Packer diet?

Pros: Celebrity spokesmen: Hannibal Lecter, Andes mountain plain crash survivors, that dude from "American Psycho," Dracula, the indomitable Mr. Packer himself.

Cons: None! This diet is not a sham or a trick!

To supplement the announcement of this wonderful new diet and get you excited about eating people, we would like to present you with a personality test to see if the Alfred Packer diet is right for you.

1.There's a really cute boy in your eighth grade English class. He sends you a note that says "Meet me at the fountain for some red hot lovin.'" What do you do?

A. Flutter your eyes at him invitingly
B. Send him back a note that says, "I'll be there, baby."
C. Send him back a note that says, "Drop dead, fatty."
D. Kill him and eat him

2. One of your best girlfriends is having a slumber party, and she's not inviting you. What do you do?

A. Call her and find out what the problem is
B. Sit by yourself, watch episodes of "Flipper," and weep openly
C. Send her a note that says, "Drop dead, fatty."
D. Kill her and eat her

3. Your best friend Lindsey just let you in on a juicy piece of gossip. Apparently, Ted likes Jan, but she's still not over Timmy, who moved to Idaho and fell in love with a llama. You have a debilitating crush on Ted, who, incidentally, has not yet realized that he is gay. What do you do?

A. Send Ted a mixtape of Cher songs
B. Vote for a third-party candidate next time
C. Become a nun
D. Kill them all and eat them

For every question you answered A, B, or C, give yourself zero points. For every question you answered d, give yourself ten million points.

IF YOU SCORED:

0-29,999,999 points: You are such a loser. Even if you occasionally want to eat people, it's simply not enough carrying on with the half-assed kind of life you lead. If you remorselessly ate people whenever you felt like it, you'd have more friends. Come on, everybody is doing it. This diet is right for you and will make you cooler.

30,000,000 points: You are awesome. Keep up the good work! Obviously, this diet is perfect for you!

In conclusion, hit the plane down! Knives out, catch the mouse! Go on the Alfred Packer diet today!