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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Hey, guys! It's Jesse McCartney here and I am totally stoked to write for The Fed, just so all my fans out there can get a little idea of how I'm doin' and what I'm thinkin'. But what I am totally un-stoked about is Ryan Cabrera. He's ruining music! Take it from me, Jesse McCartney, that Ryan Cabrera is, without a doubt, the gayest sellout there is today. He's not in with the street like yours truly. He hasn't ever experienced pain or emotions. And his hair is totally a lesbian cut, not super smooth, shiny and well-highlighted like mine. But if you don't believe me, then let's take a look at the facts.

First off, "On the Way Down" is a gay song. Look at the lyrics: "On the way down / I saw you / and you saved me from myself / and I won't forget / the way you loved me." He needs to be saved, from what, lameness? Good one, Jess. Or maybe he's [laugh] in a gang and he needs to be saved from his badass ways. Please, he's not in a dangerous gang, I am. Me and my crew, we tear up the streets of Orlando, Florida Friday through Sunday nights, 9 p.m. to 1 a.m. If you see me out in the club with my crew of hard homeboys in Orlando, you better watch out. Shit goes down. One time, we did shots. What does Ryan Cabrera do on an average weekend? Maybe, he like, gels his hair into a perfect spike, or he likes staying home and watching lame PG movies, when I'm already watching, like, NC-17 rated movies. Last weekend, I saw 15 minutes of Kids on Showtime; Man, that movie is like my life.

Second off, Ryan Cabrera's biggest performance of his sucky career was on the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Nickelodeon is for fagats and babies; that's why I only do Disney Channel events. Yeah, Disney channel viewers might be a little young, but they know what they want, they are in tune with real stuff and sometimes their moms can be really hot. If I had a nickel for every hot mom that I met who told me that they would totally do me if they were only 15 years younger, I wouldn't have to sing for a living. Of course, I would, because I am so passionate about my art that I don't care if I make any money doing it. I am like Michelangelo or Christina Aguilera, I am an artist. What's Ryan Cabrera? Well, he's not an artist, he's like an anti-artist. The only thing he can create ... is shit ... yeah the best piece of art he ever did he flushed down the toilet after last night's dinner! Ha, man, I am so funny.

 

But let's get serious for a minute and look at the most important thing to a real, hardcore yet sensitive man like myself: my love life. Ryan Cabrera has only dated Ashlee Simpson, and she initiated the relationship. Now, I am not gonna bad mouth Ashlee, we grew up a lot on the set of 7th Heaven together, where we both really found our inner actors. But I can tell you that I heard that they only made out, and they have been on and off for two years! Man that's so lame. I dated Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan, at the same time and one of them once gave me a hand job. I'm not gonna say which one, but that's a hell of a lot more mature than that gay fag Ryan Cabrera who's never gotten past second base. I can have any honey that I want in Hollywood, well, providing she is a teen star between the age of 14 and 20 and our moms are cool with us dating. My mom keeps telling me "Don't date, it's gonna get in the way of my busy career". Isn't it funny that she says it's her career, Mom's whack yo, ‘cause I think she means that she doesn't want dating to get in the way of my career. Maybe she's confused. But yo, you know the only people Ryan Cabrera can date? Men. That's right, he's so gay that he dates men. You heard it here first: Ryan Cabrera dates men. And Jesse McCartney? He dates the ladies, providing his mom is cool with ‘em.

Finally, Ryan Cabrera's just a sell out, you know? He barely rights his own songs, he plays high schools and he's always on the cover of those gay-sellout magazines like TeenVogue and TeenCosmo. I'd never do that shit. First off, I don't play high schools, I play middle schools and second off I don't appear on rags like TeenVogue. I do quality magazines and get interviewed by people with journalism degrees and shit, by like, Tiger Beat and 13 Magazine. Doesn't he know that he's just so gay for doing TeenVogue. What mom, I'm doing a photo spread in TeenVogue next week titled "Jesse McCartney: The Cute Boy of your Dream". Oh. I take back that shit I said about TeenVogue, but my point remains, he's a sell out and a fag. Ryan Cabrera is not an artist. Jesse McCartney is. Ryan Cabrera isn't real. Jesse McCartney is. I am just better than that faggy gay twerp any day of the week yo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do an interview with Seventeen about my most embarrassing date moment (I farted in front of a girl on a date, can you believe it?!). Keepin' it real - Jesse McCartney.