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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Sam Jenning

MTA New York discontinued the 9 train in May, 2005.  Many New Yorkers, especially we pampered denizens of Morningside Heights, are still adjusting to the loss of our beloved 9 train. It’s not so much that we actually loved the 9 train, or that we ever even saw one, but that the 9 lived for so long as a partner to the 1.  Personally, I still have to pause when giving directions to avoid saying “Take the 1/9” and instead simply say, “Take the 1 train”.

The 9 served no real purpose and on the whole its poorly-kept cars rarely graced the platforms of any station in Manhattan.  Nonetheless I think it behooves us, hard, to make sure that we never forget the 9, lest its legacy of utter uselessness be forgotten.

Remembering the 9 Train:

Before it began service on 7th avenue, the 9 train was actually a gay bar known as The Rodeo Lounge.  The bar’s owners sold the enterprise to MTA in 1971 and opened up another bar in SoHo.  This bar would later become City Hall.

One time, the 9 train and I were doing whippets out behind Crobar and… oh man, the 9 train was so fucked up… I mean, dude, you just had to be there.

The 9 train is in fact constructed entirely out of the broken dreams of West Harlem residents.

While many scholars dispute the 9 train’s “normal service”, anecdotal evidence suggests that the 9 only ran during full moons or on the vernal equinox.

It has been suggested that the 9 train was taken out of service for its radical views on CAFTA.  Some city officials have been overheard disparaging the 9 for its Eurocentric world-view and opposition to trade agreements that don’t include clauses to protect children from exploitation in sweatshops.

Yeah, the 9 totally shops at American Apparel.

The 9 touched my butt.  Or did my butt touch it?  We never really talked it over and the ambiguity and pain of our encounters haunt me to this day.

My pastor told me that the 9 was in a better place now but trains don’t have souls so I guess that means the 9 train is burning in hell along with my goldfish and my neighbor’s cats.