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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Mike Ilardi

Like every young, patriotic American girl, my greatest wish in the whole world is to find a husband. However, despite my best efforts, I am not a boy magnet. Once I realized that I had to go out and meet boys to get those eagerly anticipated marriage proposals, rather than sit at home in my underwear eating mini doughnuts and watching Law & Order, I tried taking my romantic life into my own hands, to no avail. I realized I needed some serious help, and only the hottest of hunks could lead me down the path of glorious popularity: Jesus. I was gonna buckle down and read me some Bible.

“But Autumn,” you say, “you’re barely literate. You can only understand information in terms of fun quizzes and way cool question and answer columns, swathed in soothing pastel colors and pictures of cute boys.” Friend, it is true that I am severely retarded. Thankfully, Jesus has come out with Revolve, a New Testament designed to look and read just like a girls’ magazine, à la Seventeen without the sex and Tigerbeat without the awesome. I guess Jesus finally realized that girls today don’t want to read about icky crucifixions; girls want advice on make-up! Ever eager to please, the J man delivered.

Revolve had all sorts of great advice to help me land a man. It turns out I was going about it all wrong. You see, whilst I was a pagan, ignorant to the teachings of Christ, I went to a frat party to practice the ancient art of giggling as men stared at my breasts. Yet as I spoke to one of the members of a particular frat (to protect identities, lets call him "John" the "freshman" with the "horrible unibrow"), he became enraged quite suddenly and violently grabbed my arm, shoved me against a wall, and called me a bitch. At first I assumed he was annoyed that I hadn’t stuffed my bra enough, a glaring social faux pas for which I take full responsibility. However, after reading the good word of Revolve, I realized I had committed one of the foulest of sins. As the scripture states: "God made guys to be the leaders. That means they lead in relationships. They tell you they like you. It is just an all-around bad idea for girls to take on the guys’ responsibility." Poor Unibrow John surely mistook my wicked attempt at initiating a conversation as a sign of Satan himself, and became frightened. Perhaps by shaking my slight body so violently, he was simply trying to exorcise the demons that had possessed my soul. The power of Christ compels me to thank John for all his help. My hats off to you, brave sir.

There were all sorts of other cool stuff, like creative ideas for dates. The "Top Ten Random Ways to Have a Fun Date" included some really exciting possibilities, like taking cookies to a nursing home and "a double date with your parents." Fun! And it had beauty tips that were not only useful, but also strengthened my relationship with Jesus by forcing me to realize that He died for my face: "The fire of God’s love burns the sin the same way the hot steam routs the dirt out of your pores. A relationship with God will do more to improve your look than any amount of facials" and "You need a good, balanced foundation for the rest of your makeup, kinda like how Jesus is the strong foundation in our lives." So true! I agree with Amy McPeak, a Tennessee high school senior and fellow retard when she said this version of the Holy Book is "easier to read and really relevant to things I go through." If something can’t be explained to me in terms of mascara, I just can’t understand it. I guess that’s why girls are so bad at math!

Another awesome article was "Guys speak out on tons of important issues!" In this, guys finally revealed what they find attractive. One boy in particular set my heart aflutter: "[Girls] should dress conservatively- they tend to be too revealing… there’s way too much showing most of the time." Finally, I know what men really want: dumpy looking girls with a penchant for Lane Bryant. The guys polled for that particular article also don’t like it when girls call them on the telephone, and they hate girls who are argumentative. So unless you want to be an old maid, ladies, keep your mouth shut! You’ll thank me later. Besides, you have nothing important to say anyway (Barnard, I’m looking in your direction).

In conclusion, to become a young woman that God would approve of, and that a good Christian man would be proud to wed, I have undergone a lobotomy. It was very fun. The kittycat goes meow meow.