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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Mike Bredin

The graceful rock doves are no match for Lerner.

Ever since he was brought to the New World in the 17th century, the rock dove has been living in a dependent relationship with its human masters.  In exchange for providing free food, water, and shelter, humans initially employed rock doves as couriers to send messages of little importance.  The first generation of North American rock doves, longing for familiar territory, no doubt attempted to fly back home to Europe.  Experts estimate that about half fell into the Atlantic Ocean.

In modern times, man has no practical need of the rock dove.  Advances in satellite and wireless technologies allow even the most inept computer users to communicate with each other, all without the risk of catching avian flu.  Nevertheless, rock doves are still a vital part of our environment.  Along with its fellow brethren, the Norway rat, he serves as nature's garbage collectors, feeding off table scraps that would otherwise be wasted on homeless vagrants.  Moreover, without the rock dove’s daily waste output, purveyors of automotive care products and dry cleaning establishments would be denied a stable source of income.

For all that the rock dove does to improve our lives, we must never forget that this noble bird depends on us.  The city parks cannot possibly support the entire rock dove population -  for it must also maintain the lifestyles of the sparrow, the squirrel, the caterpillar, the turkey.  Our leftovers, our garbage, provide the rock dove with his main source of food. Our buildings provide a humble, yet adequate, place to raise his young.  Our plazas provide great open spaces for multitudes of rock doves to congregate and engage in conversation, to come together and enrich their all-too short lives.

Yet, our all too human activities are also threatening their habitats.  Specifically, our need to build sleek glass skyscrapers, instead of masonry-based Neo-classical and art-deco designs, deprive rock doves of the ledges, cornices, and gargoyles they need to build their homes - or simply rest their weary wings.  These new glass buildings are hermetically sealed - rarely can a window open in these towering realms of cubicles and copy machines.  When the weather is harsh, the rock dove is deprived of a warm shelter. If he is unable to find warmth, he will die, with his reflective bead-shaped eye open to the world, the snowflakes delicately touching its wings, body stiffened by frostbite and rigor mortis, only to be carried off to an unknown corner of a city park by way of dog.

The reflective glass used in these buildings even makes the rock dove's graceful airborne journeys mortally treacherous.  His brain interprets his reflection as a threat that is, for some unknown reason, barreling towards him.  Since there is no way to outrun this enemy bird, the only thing left for the rock dove to do is to fight. And with disastrous consequences.  The simple housecat, after receiving a concussion, may survive a thirty story fall onto a sidewalk, but certainly not the rock dove.

**What you can do**

The building developer's first priority is to his business - he does not care whether his new luxury condos or Grade A Office Space affect the lives of rock doves.  However, proposed buildings must undergo an environmental review and public hearings - and this is where the battles can be waged, and the war can be won.

Attend public meetings: Visit your city hall and find out when and where these meetings will occur.  Raise your voice, make the public aware about the threat these high-rise buildings pose to these gentle birds. Wear shirts and buttons with slogans.

Write your Congressman: Tell him/her about your concerns. And don't just write one letter - write multiple letters, with different variations on wording, under different pseudonyms.  With enough of an outcry, your congressman may put out a press release supporting your efforts.

Establish new nesting grounds: With the help of close friends, or a crew of illegal immigrants, scour the city, collect rock doves and their nests, and relocate them to the site of the proposed glass building.  Provide plenty of food and water, and possibly a space heater.  If the site has pre-existing buildings, enlist the help of its tenants.  They will house the new bird families living in their proverbial backyard.  These desperate tenants will do anything to prevent being forced out of their homes.

With these simple steps, the habitat of the rock dove can be saved for generations to come.