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• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Russell Spitzer

Nixon loves the movies

Chas Carey

Hollywood’s desire to rehash their own filthy past has been threatening to overtake Tupac’s posthumous catalogue as the most outrageous waste of time and money in American popular culture, what with remakes of remakes of movies based on books based on a true story, as told to Tom Clancy.

Some “artistic” types are outraged by this turn of events. “This shameless skullduggery is destroying our children’s minds!” they cry, blowing their noses into their thousand-dollar pre-torn moist towlettes. Pshaw, I say! That’s just what they said about radio, and film itself, and television, and huffing paint. Why not dig the hole a little deeper? When life gives you lemons, poison them and share them with the whole family!

It’s with great pleasure that I present the following pitches for remakes of popular classics, guaranteed sure-fire box-office successes of the highest order, on the scale of Cruel Intentions 3 or Angels In The Outfield 5: The Final Judgment Upon Ken Griffey Jr.!

The Searchers: Beloved for its scenic vistas and complicated portrayals of American morality on the frontier, a modern incarnation of The Searchers lives and dies on two words… Buddy… cop… flick. OK, three words. Whatever. John Wayne’s Ethan would fit into Freddy Prinze Jr.’s repertoire of angst perfectly – it’d be his biggest hit since Wing Commander! As for Martin, the conflicted half-Cherokee, who better than Bernie Mac, who’s wisecracking humor would add a whole new degree of fun for all ages! His pining for the affections of Laurie back home would be rehashed as a drama worthy of any high-school cafeteria, while the scenic vistas would be lovingly replaced with the streets of Seattle for a latte-tinged laugh-fest of drama! Watch as the unlikely duo attempt to chase down the cruel kidnappers (a Mexican drug cartel, whose leader, Antonio Banderas, is as mysterious as he is Zorro) and win back the hearts and minds of the police force! If this was any more action-packed it’d pop like a festering blister!

A Hard Day’s Night: Sure, it was a big hit for its day, but come on. It’s in black and white, for one thing. It’s not about anything except these four guys. And they have such thick accents that by the time the drummer gets lost and wanders around the park for three fucking hours it’s kind of a relief. Also, the cute one? Not so cute. The smart one? Not so smart. The quiet one? I heard him talking several times. Face it – everything about this film could be done better today, and who better to do it than G-Unit? No longer would we be dealing with the pristine tours and screaming girls – this’d be real! On the streets! We’d have chilling reenactments of Mr. Cent getting shot… nine times! We’d have the other guys standing there, looking imposing and doing their “groove thang!” This would be a hard-edged look at life on the road for the most popular posse from Queens since the Amazin’ Mets, a gritty, true-to-life depiction of Mr. Cent’s “Disco Inferno” life “In Da Club.” Perhaps we’d have guest appearances by rivals like Kanye West, who ain’t sayin’ she’s a “Gold Digger!” It’d be the biggest film rivalry since Prince and Morris Day in Purple Rain, or the old guys in Grumpy Old Men! This’d lord it over the box office like Lords Of Dogtown and Lord Of War… combined!

Citizen Kane: Another black-and-white “classic” that could be the romantic comedy of the season! Why does “Rosebud” have to be a sled, when it could be Sally Rosebud, beautiful and spunky reportress, played with plucky aplomb by Renee Zellwiger? And Orson Welles… more like David Wells… a chubby cretin with an ego complex. Who wants that? Aston Kutcher’d make a much more lovable megalomaniac, and as his work in The Butterfly Effect proved, he’s not afraid to do drama! Why does Charles Kane push his wife so hard? In the film, who knows… but in the remake, it’s because he secretly pines for Sally’s love! It’s a tale more titanic than Titanic, more daredevilish than Daredevil. In the film’s “restored” final scenes, Kane breaks down and confesses his love for Sally in a Daytime Emmy-worthy speech, backed by music that almost made the Garden State soundtrack.

As you can see, there’re plenty of classics from the vault to shamelessly violate for personal gain. Why stop now? A junior-high Scarface, a Maltese Falcon starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, or a remake of The Manchurian Candidate about evil corporations can’t be far behind! Just remember, the next time some turtlenecked terror from the “art world” bemoans the film industry, just remind him – Picasso probably traced some Andy Warhol painting once, and everyone knows all music really started with Madonna!