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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Despite the legions of smiling couples vigorously in denial of the deeply shallow nature of their flavor of the week relationships, you really don’t feel you’re ready for romance yet. Whatever shall you do?

There is still hope! Plenty of people have found solace in having deep, meaningful relationships with inanimate objects. It’s not even that hard to fool your friends into thinking you’ve found a real boyfriend!

For example, you like Johnny Depp right? But he’s kind of scary, what with those adrenal glands he ate in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. Plus, while playing an eccentric but loveable homosexual pirate, he wore all that makeup and we all know makeup is only for girls. Have no fear! Follow these steps for an instant, just-add-glue significant other!

Step One: Fetch the teddy bear you pretended to have left in your room back home and drop it into the wash to get the urine smell out (just kidding, we know you’re too weird to be clean).

Step Two: Get to the computer lab, print out a headshot of our favorite gland-eating gay buccaneer and cut it out.

Step Three: Acquire glue (once your roommate is done sniffing it), apply to headshot, apply headshot to teddy bear and voila! A real male love partner that doesn’t leave cumstains on the sheets or try to sleep with your roommate.

You’ll be the envy of all your friends if they didn’t just hang around you to exploit your fake ID already! Sweet fucking jesus your friends are idiots! Good thing you have Johnny...