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In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

Michael Bredin

Our teen talk staff.

Dear Teen Talk,

    I have started to think sexual thoughts about a boy that I know and like. And just the other night, I tried masturbating for the first time, thinking of him. But I worry that what I might be doing is wrong. So, my question ; Is female masturbation unhealthy?

- Confused and Aroused

Dear Confused and Aroused,
        There's no doubt about it, masturbation is bad for you; in fact, it will make your hands fall off, even if you do it infrequently. Then, of course, you will lose your job, because you have no hands. At which point you will have to move in with your parents because without a job, you can't afford to live on your own. But, as the horny little slut you are, you need "sexual gratification." But sadly, the only people who will want to pleasure you will be local guys with handless fetishes who want to fuck your stumps, but they are few and far between. So when you quickly exhaust you local handless fetish community, you will have to find some kind of pleasure in satisfying drunk guys who are too wasted to care that you don't have hands. Of course, without the use of hands, you can't put a condom on these drunkards and you will inevitably end up pregnant. Your parents will, consequently, have to get new, brutal, low paying jobs in a meat-packing plant or in a dirty coal mine in order to pay for your mistakes. They will of course work themselves to death and, with no means of supporting your child, the government will have to take her away and put her in foster care. You will inevitably protest, but the government will just point out that handicapped people make shitty, ineffective parents and that they are already a burden on society just on their own. But even though strangers will raise your child, the only lifestyle she will really know is your own, and she will end up running away from her foster home. The only skill she will have, much like her stupid, whorish mother, is sexually servicing perverts and she will spend the rest of her life blowing truckers to make ends meet at a McDonald's rest stop in Grand Junction, Colorado. So, Confused and Aroused, teen masturbation ultimately leads to a life of prostitution for your children.

Dear Teen Talk, 

    My friend has recently started taking diet pills, I caught her taking them before lunch in the girl's room. I told her that they were really just speed, that they were addictive and that she, of all people, does not need to be on a diet, much less considering loosing weight. She is already 5 foot 4 and weighs no more than 100 pounds. I think I might have gotten through to her, but I just don't know. How can anyone these days use diet pills when we all know that there are serious risks involved?

- We Should Know Better

Dear We Should Know Better,
        People use diet pills for the same reason that some kids pick up smoking and some kids have a lot of sex; because they make you cooler. It's really just that simple. I know what you're thinking. There is a whole contingent of people like you out there. This is just a guess, but you're probably one of those fat judgemental girls who no one likes, doesn't go to any parties and was once caught masturbating in the girl's locker room during volleyball practice. You shouldn't be criticizing your friend for taking diet pills. You should be thanking her, because she's thin and pretty and popular and she's talking to you. But just in case you don't believe that diet pills are for the cool kids, I have consulted a physician on your behalf. His name is Doctor Juan Ramirez and he currently works as a sidewalk sweeper/ general-practitioner right here in Morningside Heights.

ADVICE COLUMN: Doctor Ramirez, are there any safety risks associated with diet pills?

DR. RAMIREZ: Que?

ADVICE COLUMN: Oh, I see, you're saying that they are "O"- que? But what about these nay-sayers who point out that we as a society place too much influence on external qualities when we should be promoting internal qualities.

DR. RAMIREZ: No puedo entender lo que estas diciendome. Yo soy un lavador, no soy un "Doctor". Pero si necesitas consejo medical, puedes venir con migo al clinico libre.

ADVICE COLUMN: You're absolutely right, Dr. Ramirez, the people who say that are just a bunch of whiny, unpopular (and probably gay) losers.

    You heard Dr. Ramirez, WSKB. And you should see that the proof is in the pudding.   Oh, there I have gone and said pudding. Now you will probably go out and bury your troubles and eat so much pudding that your stomach will burst and you will have to be rushed to the hospital via-bulldozer. So, in conclusion WSKB, I guess you could say the only risk associated with diet pills is not doing them and looking uncool.