• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Young and In Heat
• Teen Talk
• Way Embarassing Stories From Teens Like You!
• Letters to the Feditor
• You're Bleemin' Thin!
• New, Finger-Eatin' Good Diet!
• Pot Calls Kettle Black, Gag Ball Calls Assless Chaps Gay
• Sequels: Always Better Than Originals
• Boy Bands: Our Saviors
• Barbara Bush is a Dead Bitch
• H&M: We're So Hip!
• Beauty is in the Red, Tearful Eye of the Beholder
• Pity the Lowly Rock Dove
• Do-It-Yourself Object of Love
• Ode to a Spill-Proof Mug
• Mouse and Cat: World Series Prep
• Revolve: The *New* New Testament
• Fed Insider with Grown-Up Teen Idol Rider Strong
• Jewry Blocks Masturbation
• The 9 Train
• THEY Watch
• The Staff of 21.1

“As long as it’s legal, I support it.”
- Columbia University President Lee Bollinger on behavior in a parking lot

I. “Hello? Is this Nightline? OK. Good. Look, I’ve kind of got a problem. I mean, it’s not that big a deal, but still, I kind of need to talk about it. See I’m on, I mean, my friend’s on, this newspaper and, well, it’s kind of stupid sometimes, but it does have this one really iconic graphic that everyone really likes. And then this nighttime counseling talk line started reprinting it on posters. Yeah. They didn’t really get the fonts right. Anyway, my, ummm, friend is kind of flattered, but also a little bit weirded out. Yeah. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks.” Because their organization had the motivation and manpower to make eye-catching posters and plaster them around campus while The Fed sat around drinking and feeling sorry for itself, Nightline=THEY!

II. For the last two weeks, most newspapers have been running Hurrican Rita stories continuously. But then Rita turned out to be a complete flop, stranding very few puppies on rooftops and failing to cause any cities to regress into Mad Max-style vigilante violence. Was it just a case of an honest over-forecast? Not likely, when you think about how much money CNN must have saved by re-running last month’s Hurricane Katrina footage rather than reporting on something new, different, and possibly farther away. Swirling, repetitive, seizure-inducing weather maps=THEY!

III. Anyone who is pissed about not being allowed to drink at football games should drop ecstasy at Baker instead. It’s very easy to hide. Those fat hairy mongoloids who for some reason need to be hired to look into your bag everywhere you go=THEY!