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In This Issue

• What To Do With Books
• Craigslist Finds New Ways to Disturb
• Ovary Mining: Profit In Your Pants
• Letters to the Feditors
• Experience? Uh, no
• Sitting On Babies?
• The Internet = Porn. Porn = The Fed. Logically...
• "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Dregs?"
• Hey, Athletes! Need a Team? Call Me Ishmael.
• Hot Sex? Meh. Mock Interviews? Ooo Yeah, Baby.
• Swipe, Suffer, Suffocate
• From The Desk of Lee "El Cuisinart" Bollinger
• Practice Protectionism in the Bedroom
• Living at the Speed of 2.99x10^8 m/s
• Sensitivity Training Averts Termination
• Congrats, You're Fucked
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THEY Watch

Russell Spitzer

Shaina Rubin

"I'll just tell CAVA to call it alcohol poisoning again."

Memoranda from higher-ups are a universal reality of corporate life. Consequently, it would be prudent for you to learn more about this form of communication if you plan on one day securing gainful employment.  What follows are some of the memos sent this September from Columbia University President Lee Bollinger to various members of the University’s faculty and staff.  You may find it edifying to study them.

Date: Tues Sept 6, 2005

From: Lee C. Bollinger

To: Staff, Office of the President

Re: New Academic Year

    With the beginning of the fall semester, I want to tell all of you that we have a great year ahead of us.  This marks the start of my fourth year as President, and it promises to be one of true progress and growth for the University.  In that spirit, I have identified a few key points to help us meet our goals for the year.

    First, if you leave your lunch in the fridge in my office, please write your name on it.  In the past, people have been upset to come looking for their lunch and instead find my mouth full of their egg salad.  Remember that I’m not psychic, and if you put a nameless lunch in my fridge, I will assume it’s mine.

    Related to that point, please do not come to get your lunch from my office fridge if I’m in a meeting.  Last spring, I had the unique displeasure of explaining to the Prime Minister of Qatar why my fundraising pitch to him was interrupted by a 19 year-old work-study student.  They don’t even have egg salad in Qatar, so the Prime Minister was less than understanding.

    Second, I’ve ordered Segway Human Transporters for all of us.  The Latino Studies Department, whose budget was reduced by 80% to help pay for the devices, has complained about this, but I am confident that our efficiency will increase tremendously.  Effective as of the arrival of the Segways, we are all to begin using them to commute to and from work, as well as inside the office.

    Finally, two Saturdays from now I’ll be holding a barbecue in the backyard of the President’s House, and of course, you’re all invited.  See you there and highest hopes for the coming year.

        Sincerely,

        Lee C. Bollinger

Date: Wed Sept 14, 2005

From: Lee C. Bollinger

To: Alan Brinkley, Provost

Re: What’s Up?

    Hey!  So how’s your year been so far?  It’s been eight days since classes started, and we haven’t even hung out yet!  Do you want to go see The 40-Year-Old Virgin this weekend?  I heard it’s fucking hilarious.  I’ve got a barbecue at my place on Saturday, but it should be over by about 7.  So let’s say 9 o’clock, we’ll meet at the Loews on 67th Street?  

    But let’s talk on AIM before then, I want to hear how your summer went!  I had to change my screen name when some pre-frosh got it off my Facebook page and started stalking me though.  I’ll tell you all about it when we meet up.  Anyway, my new SN is BigBollinger.

        See ya,

        Lee

Date: Mon Sept 19, 2005

From: Lee C. Bollinger

To: Staff, Office of the President

Re: Progress Thus Far

    Thank you all for attending the barbecue on Saturday.  I did notice, however, that while on the invitations I had written that it would be from 3:00 to 7:00, some of you stayed well past 10 o’clock.  Your company is certainly welcome, but as President, I have a tight schedule.  My business meetings, including one that I had on Saturday night, are difficult to cancel or reschedule, and so in the future, greater punctuality would be much appreciated.

    Also, I’ve noticed that despite the fact that they arrived a week ago, very few of you have been riding your Segways around the office.  The Director of the Latino Studies Department is coming to visit in ten days, and I’d like to have us whizzing about as he makes his way into the suite.  I’ll never hear the end of his bellyaching about his new budget if he doesn’t see how much more efficient the Segways will make us.

    On a happier note, I have yet to eat anybody else’s lunch, so keep up the good work.  I have placed a box of Sharpies next to the copier for anyone who needs something to write on their lunch with.

          Best,

          Lee C. Bollinger

Date: Tues Sept, 2005

From: Lee C. Bollinger

To: Alan Brinkley, Provost

Re: Stuff

    I had fun this weekend.  Good call with going downtown, and you’re right, the West End does suck.  Dude, I can’t figure out how we made it back though, we were so wasted.  All I remember is when we were in the subway trying to talk a turnstile out of peeing on us.  Good times …    

Have you ever seen The Big Lebowski ?  That movie is fucking awesome, we should watch it.

  Shit, I have to go, they want me to meet the President of Malta for the World Leaders Forum.  By the way, if we’re going to invite the President of Malta, we might as well invite Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  I mean, what the hell are we running here, a university or Romper Room?

    Anyway, give me a call, I want to check out that new hookah place on 110th.

        Tootles,

        L

Date: Fri, Sept 30, 2005

From: Lee C. Bollinger,

To: Staff, Office of the President

Re: Reflections on Yesterday’s Events

    You may have already heard that yesterday, as he entered our suite, the Director of Latino Studies was struck and severely injured by a staff member riding a Segway Human Transporter.  While Prof. Rivero-Batiz is expected at the very least one day to walk again, I have taken this opportunity to liquidate the Latino Studies Department.  The liberated funds will go towards the purchase of a new box of Sharpies, as someone seems to have stolen the one I put next to the copier.

    I must emphasize that the staff member in the accident was at fault and that the Segway is inherently safe.  Nonetheless, I have arranged a training session on the devices.  Let’s all meet on our Segways at noon tomorrow at the corner of 116th and Riverside.  Prof. Kenneth Jackson of the History Department has graciously volunteered to lead us on a tour of Manhattan.  We’ll get to be excellent drivers while learning about our fair city.

    Lastly, a message to the person who yesterday left an anonymous lunch filled with dog feces in my fridge: nice try.  You thought you could get away with it?  Well, I trust that going without lunch for a day has taught you a lesson.  I would recommend, though, that you consult a nutritionist.

        Regards,

        Lee C. Bollinger