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In This Issue

• What To Do With Books
• Craigslist Finds New Ways to Disturb
• Ovary Mining: Profit In Your Pants
• Letters to the Feditors
• Experience? Uh, no
• Sitting On Babies?
• The Internet = Porn. Porn = The Fed. Logically...
• "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Dregs?"
• Hey, Athletes! Need a Team? Call Me Ishmael.
• Hot Sex? Meh. Mock Interviews? Ooo Yeah, Baby.
• Swipe, Suffer, Suffocate
• From The Desk of Lee "El Cuisinart" Bollinger
• Practice Protectionism in the Bedroom
• Living at the Speed of 2.99x10^8 m/s
• Sensitivity Training Averts Termination
• Congrats, You're Fucked
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THEY Watch

Sex sells. Although it has everywhere, and throughout human history, nowhere does it sell more than on the Internet. (Especially if the word “sell” is used in its broadest sense, which also includes giving stuff away for free.) So it should come as no surprise that The Fed operates a very popular web site, generating about 2,000 unique hits each week.

    Intrigued by what draws these crowds into our website, Fed Webmaster Arnold Park recently devised and installed a computer script that tracks the entry of each visitor onto the site, logging the page that they originally request, the date and time of the request, and, in many cases, a reference to the web page containing the link that brought them to The Fed’s site. Arnold drew three major conclusions from an initial look over his results: first, that most of the visitors had been drawn to specific archived articles from a Google search, and so were probably first-time readers and not Columbia students or even monthly online fans; second, that most of these Google searches were being logged very late at night; and third that, based on the text of the Google searches that had brought them to The Fed at three in the morning, almost all of the visitors were looking for porn. (I assure you they were disappointed- there is no actual porn on the website.)

    To back up this analysis, I now present the Greatest Hits of The Fed’s Internet Archives, ranked based on the number of hits each article received in a week earlier this month.

    1. LilAmber.com: Legal Child Porn for the Masses, from Volume 19 Issue 1, is an expose on two websites that offer paying members access to glamour-style photographs of prepubescent girls modeling lingerie and swimsuits. In the week of our survey, it was the most popular article from The Fed archive by far, generating five times more hits than even the second most popular request! Google search strings that led readers to the article included “legal child porn pix” (this one was very common), “lilamber nude”, “barely legal gymnastic” and even the very up-front “naked pre pubescent girls”.

    2. A Porn Star is Born, from Volume 17 Issue 5, was a web submission from Long Island-born porn actor Jeremy Steele, recounting the story of how he, as a struggling actor in L.A., had first become involved in the sex industry. This article actually does include a sex scene (complete with money shot!), but it might not be quite as graphic as several visitors were hoping for when they searched Google for “my first porn scene”. Funniest Google hit: “Islander porn”.

    3. Marriage is the Perfect Career: Earning Your MRS Degree, from Volume 18 Issue 8 is a piece of standard-issue Fed misogyny (written, as always, by a woman) about a graduate school-bound Columbia woman’s need for a man to support her “burgeoning and increasingly expensive philosophy habit.” Interestingly, it is not the article itself that generates the hits; it is a mostly unrelated cartoon buried near the bottom of the same web page that is retrieved when you type “homosexual” into the Google Image Search.

    4. A Letter from Jesse McCartney, from Volume 21 Issue 1, our most recent issue, makes a number of highly libelous accusations against teen pop stars Jesse McCartney and Ryan Cabrera, and then has the nerve to quote their lyrics at length in what amounts to little more than a cynical ploy to generate hits off Google from fans. Although, it may not have been a fan that searched for “jesse mccartney gay”, “ryan Cabrera is gay”, or “ryan Cabrera mom”. A great example of Google not doing such a great job: “ball gag movie”.

    5. Vintage T-shirt Democracy Plot, from Volume 20 Issue 2, asks who in their right mind would pay over $300 for a vintage 1985 disco-rainbow Denver Nuggets T-shirt. Apparently, some people who think they might want to end up reading The Fed instead. The article is also listed in the press section of the T-shirt site it mocks.

    6. Finding Boys Into Whom To Put Love, from Volume 20 Issue 4, is about NAMBLA, the North American Man-Boy Love Association. The article is both scholarly enough to be linked from the NAMBLA entry on Wikipedia and dirty enough to generate Google hits in response to queries such as “finding boys for sex” and “kiddie porn boys Little Boys”.

    7. The Columbia Foot Fetish Connection, from Volume 15 Issue 3, is about three Columbia students who answered a Spectator ad to be foot models and their totally gross ensuing adventure. The popularity of this article late at night is totally scary.

    Clearly, The Fed website is going through a difficult time in its life; it has figured out that it is only popular because people come to it looking for sex, and that few of its many friends are genuinely attracted to its wit, intelligence, and charm. There is solace, however, in knowing what losers all those people really are anyway, and how sad they are deep down inside. As evidence of that last point, here are a few more choice Google searches that hit various Fed articles that week: “Hungarian pastry shop waitresses”, “tight pants for men”, “Daniel radcliffe porn”, “how do I start my own religion”, “sesame street fuck”, “silicone sluts”, “white slavery fantasy”, “lion cock”, “nipples in the rain”, “sex change while young”, “can you lose your virginity with a dildo”,“ green haired oompa loompa”, “super gays”, “how to make hydrogen peroxide bomb”, “horny 14 year olds getting dirty”, “proverbial toilets internships”, “flamethrower, how to make”, “fucking drunk effects”, “nana porn”, “animal shaped dildos”, “disgraceful blowjobs”, “old people elderly smell unattractive”, “fun stuff to do with your boyfriend”, “is there such a thing as a wormhole”, “Barbara bush old bitch”, “bulimia AND losing the gag reflex”, “does masturbation make you skinnier”, “barnard college for boys” and, most importantly, “did I get into Columbia”.