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In This Issue

• What To Do With Books
• Craigslist Finds New Ways to Disturb
• Ovary Mining: Profit In Your Pants
• Letters to the Feditors
• Experience? Uh, no
• Sitting On Babies?
• The Internet = Porn. Porn = The Fed. Logically...
• "Which Came First, the Chicken or the Dregs?"
• Hey, Athletes! Need a Team? Call Me Ishmael.
• Hot Sex? Meh. Mock Interviews? Ooo Yeah, Baby.
• Swipe, Suffer, Suffocate
• From The Desk of Lee "El Cuisinart" Bollinger
• Practice Protectionism in the Bedroom
• Living at the Speed of 2.99x10^8 m/s
• Sensitivity Training Averts Termination
• Congrats, You're Fucked
• The Hierarchy of Columbia
• THEY Watch

Russell Spitzer

Course listing for the Major in Anti-Women's Studies

Ah, humanities – the majors people choose when they can’t figure out how to add anything to the world! Strangely, philosophy majors, English majors, political science majors, and the like are often the people who think they have the most to add to society. They’re completely fucking wrong. If you’re really good at that shit, you drop out of college and make it on your own, like Jack Kerouac, F. Scott Fitzgerald, or, um, Kanye West. That said, now that the novelty of telling your friends you want a PhD in philosophy (HAHAHA A DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY IN PHILOSOPHY HAHAHAHA) has worn off, what should you do with your humanities degree? Well, you have several options…

WHORE YOURSELF

Yes, you’re more attractive than SEAS people. No, that isn’t saying much at all, assface.

COMMIT SUICIDE

Bad option. You’ll just become a statistic processed by someone with a real major. Or maybe your mom will push some editor to publish the one book you wrote (ironically, about a fat worthless thirty-something who studied medieval philosophy in college and lives with his mother) and you’ll win the Pulitzer for writing a supreme tragicomedy set in New Orleans. Except not – because it would be tasteless to make jokes about New Orleans now, being that it’s wetter than Barbara Bush watching an orphan drown. Oops!

JOIN THE MILITARY

Hahahahaha. This option is funny because humanities majors are whiny liberals.

LIVE WITH YOUR MOM

Whoever said that you didn’t learn anything from studying Classics? Follow the example of Oedipus! However, after you kill your father and marry your mother, you might want to make some improvements on good old Oeddy’s formula. After all, we study history so we can avoid its mistakes, or whatever they kept trying to tell me when I refused to learn about the Holocaust because it didn’t happen. A good recommendation for your Oedipus plan: change “blinding yourself in horror at what you’ve done” to “playing World of Warcraft and eating Bugles.” You’ll be much happier, trust me.

PARTY!!!

Oh, you’re filthy rich? Good thing you went to this school so some poor gay crippled immigrant inner city minority kid with alcoholic parents couldn’t. Asshole.

JOIN THE PEACE CORPS

Hahahahaha wait…this option isn’t funny…because humanities majors are whiny liberals!

BE A TROPHY WIFE

Planning to marry a rich banker, or better yet – a celebrity? Unfortunately, marrying into billions is harder than you think and has nothing to do with membership in Facebook groups. “But Mr. Hasselhoff,” you’ll say, “I was one of the Hottest Furnald Urban Studies Girls in the Class of Oh-Eight!” He’ll only shake his head, lament the fact that you joined that group because your parents never loved you, and wonder why you look nothing like that picture.

BE A TROPHY HUSBAND

Similar to the above, but the problem is that rich professional women don’t exist. BECAUSE THEY ALL MAJOR IN HUMANITIES!

BECOME A SCHOOLTEACHER

If working for minimum wage on six years of Ivy League higher education doesn’t bother you (and at this point, why would it?), becoming a teacher might be a great idea. Be sure to teach all the kids about similes so they can write of you, “He soared off the building like an eagle and hit the ground like a Hefty bag full of tomato soup,” after you realize how worthless your life is.

BECOME A PROFESSOR

Think being a professor is better than being just a lowly grade school teacher? Well, you’re right, but you still suck. The painful process of becoming a professor in humanities involves having your heart, lungs, soul, and other vitals ripped out by a savage. Then, your body is filled with pure distilled knowledge – a green substance that looks like absinthe. You are a vessel, and you exist only to pass on that knowledge. And you know what will be done by whatever worthless little sucker you pass it on to? That’s right, bitch, they’ll pass it on, too. You got duped.

GO TO LAW SCHOOL

This really seems to be the most viable option at the outset – you get to put off putting yourself into the working world, eventually becoming a rich professional, and hiring plenty of underlings to masturbate your ego, and probably other things. Best of all, you become an acceptable member of society. Except it’s not the best, you fucking sellout! You majored in humanities because you wanted to change the world, not be stuck behind a desk! It’s not my fault you’re an idiot, but at least stick to your principles! Jesus!

I’m only really aware of the majors available at Columbia College, so sorry if I wasn’t able to make fun of your SEAS major in Being Asian or your Barnard major in Making Me a Sandwich, Bitch. In my defense, though, it seems that all of the SEAS majors are real, and, well, I can think of at least one use for the Barnard major which I just named.